Tell Me Where It Hurts
by Best Mistake
Summary: Everyone has a few secrets, and at Seattle Grace they always seem to come out. [Addison. Continues through postfinale]
1. Chapter 1

"Um, hello? Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes?" I tore my eyes away from what I'd been staring at and turned to see Isabel Stevens giving me a strange look.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

She glanced at my hands.

I looked down and saw that I had crumbled someone's lab results into a tiny ball. "Oh, shit." I quickly smoothed it out. "Go check on your patients, Izzy," I snapped quickly.

"Okay." She turned and walked briskly away.

I shook my head in frustration. What was wrong with me? Zoning out in front of the interns? Insane.

I couldn't help looking back again to the patient in exam four. Some old woman with a tumor was being attended by my husband… and Meredith Grey.

He'd promised me he wouldn't talk to her. He'd promised.

But what was I supposed to do, demand that every assignment in the hospital be fitted to my own liking? I'm not that dumb. I knew they would have to work together.

But did she really have to look at him with those big, sad, homeless puppy dog eyes? And pout and give a small smile as she takes a pulse? And did he really have to smile back at her as they talked to the patient?

He still had a thing for her, that much was obvious. I knew it, Meredith knew it, and the entire hospital knew it. Everybody knew I was the ice bitch who stole him away from his precious little intern. They all whispered about how he loved her but came crawling back to me because he's too much of an honest man to leave his wife when she wants him.

I wanted to walk over there and tell her that I'd won, so she should just back off.

No. I wasn't going to lose control, even though it took every muscle in my body to hold back.

Addison Shepherd does not lose control.

- - - - -

"I saw you with your little girlfriend before," I said, walking up behind him in the staff lounge that afternoon. It was empty besides the two of us.

He turned around wearily. "Give it up, Addison, I have to talk to her while I'm working. What do you want me to do, wear a tape recorder?"

I shut my mouth. I hated the way he was looking at me – like someone he didn't want to be with, someone who was holding him back from what he really wanted.

Well, there was one way I knew he would always want me.

I took a few steps towards him until our faces were inches apart. "Derek…" I started softly, biting my lip.

He clenched his jaw and tightened his grip around the coffee cup he was holding. "Not going to work."

"Why not? We're married, it's perfectly legitimate." I traced my finger lightly down his chest and I felt him shudder.

"That's never stopped you before," he muttered, leaning over to set his coffee down on the table.

That stung, but I ignored it. Apparently it was going to take awhile for him to get all of the little 'my wife cheated on me' comments out of his system.

"I miss you." I pouted slightly, gently putting my hand on his arm.

"I hate you," he whispered, but he leaned forward and kissed me hard anyway.

His hands were creeping up my blouse when the door swung open and we guiltily jumped apart, like kids caught making out in the school bathroom.

Alex Karev was grinning at us from the doorway. "Don't let me interrupt." He help up his hands and turned to leave.

Derek looked disgusted with himself as he straightened his tie. "I have to get back to work."

"Wait," I said desperately. He turned to look at me with empty eyes.

"What?" he asked exhaustedly. "What more do you want from me, Addy? I broke it off with her. I'm going to a fucking therapist with you. You've got another million dollar job where everyone will fawn all over you. What else do you want?"

I felt my jaw drop open as I stared at him.

"I'll see you later." He walked out.

I stood in the middle of the empty lounge, feeling like I'd just been hit by a truck.

"I want you to love me again," I whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Another day at Seattle Grace Hospital. Another day of trying to save lives while avoiding Meredith Grey and convincing my husband he didn't make the wrong choice by staying with me. Kind of stressful, actually.

"We have three ambulances on the way!" Miranda Bailey yelled into the relatively calm terminal area. "Get moving, people!"

"I have a few patients upstairs to check on, unless you have a pregnancy coming in," I said to her as I walked by.

"Stay here, Shepherd, we have a toddler on the way," she replied.

"I'm not pediatric any more, just neonatal."

"I know what your specialty is. I also know you're amazing with children, and I need you to stick around in case we need to operate," she said with an unmistakable air of 'that's that.'

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. I was probably the best children's doctor – born or unborn – that this hell hole in the middle of nowhere had ever seen, anyway.

"Amazing with children?" I heard Alex's voice whisper behind me.

"That's hard to believe," Meredith answered.

I decided to ignore them.

The ambulances seemed to arrive all at once at the ER flew into action. Doctors and nurses called out orders as stretchers were wheeled through.

"Addison, we have a little one over here, I need you," Richard called as he strode by.

"3 year old female, congenital heart defects - ventricular septal - leading to cardiac failure," the EMT rattled off as they urgently wheeled the stretcher through the doors.

"Pulse?" Richard asked as he snapped on his gloves, the two of us jogging along next to the cart.

The EMT answered, but I couldn't hear him. I was too busy staring at the little girl's face.

_Beautiful little girl, with blonde ringlets. Blonde ringlets and a heart that wasn't beating_.

"Addison! What are you doing, get ready to crack her," Richard snapped as the nurses quickly set up her station.

"Sorry, yeah." I saw him shoot me a curious glance and I quickly shook my head to focus. _Blonde ringlets and a little broken heart_.

"My baby! Oh my god!" a young woman appeared and threw herself towards the table.

"Get back, ma'am, we're going to open her chest," Richard said calmly, motioning for a nurse to pull her away.

"Haley! Oh my god, help her! What's happening?" she shrieked.

_Haley? Haley. Beautiful little Haley_. I stared.

"We're going to do everything we can." Richard's eyes landed on mine. "Shit. Shepherd!" I thought he was yelling at me, but then realized he was calling out of the room to Derek.

He appeared, already in surgical scrubs. I saw his eyes fall on the girl. It hit him too. "Am I scrubbing in?" he asked after a second.

Richard jerked his head towards me. "No, I've got it. I need you to get her out of here. Now."

"Haley! Wake her up!" the mother sobbed from behind us.

Derek's head snapped back as if he'd been slapped.

"Don't just stand there, I said get out!" Richard barked, and Derek grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room.

The hallway was relatively quiet. I leaned my forehead on it, pressing my head and palms against the cool tile. I felt him hesitate before resting a hand on my waist. Neither of us said anything.

"What happened to her?" he broke the silence finally.

"Congenital ventricular septal defect." I mumbled the words that I had once been forced to say so many times. To explain. So many times. Always followed by the questions – _what does that mean? She had a hole in her heart since birth and you never knew?_

"God, what are the chances." He blew out his breath slowly and it prickled my neck.

We stood there for a few more minutes. I felt my throat closing up and pressed my eyes shut tightly. No crying. Please, no crying.

"She looked…" he trailed off. "God, she looked just like her, didn't she?"

That did it. I felt the sob rise in my throat, and before I knew it I was choking and crying and falling until he caught me and pressed me tightly against his chest.

"Stop it," he said hoarsely. "Stop." He held me tighter, and I knew that if I looked at his face I would see someone trying desperately not to lose control.

"Dr. Shep… Derek? What's the matter?" I heard Meredith's alarmed voice.

I stiffened. Couldn't she just leave us alone? I breathed in Derek's familiar scent. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be held by him.

"Not right now, Meredith," he said quietly.

"But Dr. Webber needs you to take the car crash in three, he's still in there with the little girl." Her obnoxiously sweet voice cut right through me.

"How is she doing?" he asked.

"I'm not sure." She paused. "Um, is she okay?"

She was probably wondering why my head was still buried in his chest.

"Yeah. Just give up a minute."

"I'm fine," I mumbled, finally pulling back. I couldn't bring myself to look in his eyes and see the unbearable pain that we would both always have.

"Addison – "

"I have to go in there and help. I'm the best fucking pediatric surgeon in this godforsaken state." I wiped furiously at my eyes.

"You can't." He held on to my arms firmly.

I glared at him, all too aware that Meredith was watching. He looked as broken as I felt.

"I have to," I said quietly, and he nodded and looked pained as he let go and watched me turn around.

"What happened?" I heard Meredith ask as I went down the hall.

"We had a little girl once," I heard him whisper. "Her name was Haley."


	3. Chapter 3

_Note: I don't hate Meredith at all. I just think Addison is so interesting, and no one ever wants to hear her side of the story. I thought it would be fun to see Meredith from her point of view. _

Two hours later, the operating room was dead quiet as Richard Webber and I tried to patch up Haley Connell's three-year-old heart.

It wasn't going so well.

"Careful," he murmured to me as I slowly tried to adjust one of her arteries.

"If you're going to breathe down my neck, why don't you just do it yourself?" I asked.

He shut up.

I knew Derek was watching from the observation room. I wondered if he was praying as fervently as I was that this would work. It wasn't really that difficult of a procedure, to be honest. Not if you'd caught the condition early enough, which this patient might have.

But Derek and I hadn't caught it early enough.

_A neurosurgeon and a pediatric cardiac surgeon, and neither of them knew their own daughter was dying? _I shook my head slightly to get rid of the voices that would always be there.

"So you can really just… stitch up a heart like that?" George O'Malley was staring in awe at what we were doing. The kid was actually pretty smart, even though he was about as awkward as an eleven-year-old.

"Yes, but this is only the first of a few surgeries she's going to need over the next few years. Scalpel." I held out my hand and a nurse gave it to me.

Ten minutes later, we all held our breath and then finally let it out when the tiny little heart started beating.

This one…. this one I'd been able to save.

- - - - -

"How are you today, Mrs. Norris?" I asked a pregnant woman who looked about my own age, flipping open her chart.

"I have these horrible cramps. It's my first pregnancy and I thought it would be safe to come in and get it checked out," she said, massaging her stomach.

"That was a good idea. Who has seen you so far?"

"That sweet girl – Mary? Megan, maybe?"

"Meredith." I tried not to roll my eyes. Sweet, yes. I knew she was sweet. Everyone was obsessed with what a fucking sweetheart Meredith Grey was.

The little sweetie herself decided to pop up just then, giving the patient one of her sweet 'hello's' in her sweet, low voice.

No wonder he wanted her. She was the complete opposite of me.

Calm. I had to be calm. I'd spent my entire life not letting my personal life interfere with my career, and I wasn't about to start now.

As Meredith started asking her questions, I was supposed to be observing and making sure she knew what to do. But instead I found myself staring intently at her face, at the way her sleepy eyes lit up as she talked to the patient. She was so… alive. So passionate about what she was doing.

"So do you think we should send her upstairs?" she asked me.

I nodded quickly, forcing myself to pay attention. "Yes, definitely need some x-rays. Call one of the nurses to wheel her up." I turned and walked out of the examining room, praying that Meredith wouldn't catch up with me.

She did. "Are you… okay?" she asked me gently.

"Yes," I answered in a clipped tone, walking faster.

"I heard the girl from this morning is going to be fine. You fixed her."

"Good."

"Addison…" she began.

I finally stopped walking and wearily faced her. "Yes?"

"I don't… I know that we…" she trailed off uncertainly.

"What?" I asked impatiently.

"I know he chose you. And maybe I don't understand, and maybe I hate it. But I don't want to hate you, and I hope you don't hate me either."

"That's good, because if you're going to be a doctor you can't hate people you work with, and if you do you have to hide it," I said coolly.

She didn't know what to say. She was just a heartbroken girl, that much was obvious. And she was trying to be the bigger person by talking to me.

Didn't she realize that what was going on went far beyond whether or not we hated each other? We weren't kids. It didn't work like that.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." I saw Derek out of the corner of my eye and he was looking at the two of us talking. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

"You're exactly like my mother," Meredith whispered.

That took me by surprise. "What?"

"You live for your work. You live to be the best doctor anyone could ask for, you live and breathe your career and dedicate every once of yourself to it even when it comes at the expense of your marriage. Or your child."

The last word stabbed me. So what if poor little Meredith's mother had been fabulous – I'd studied under her once, actually – and not been there for her when she was little? I was not Ellis Grey.

I hadn't done that. I hadn't been that kind of mother.

What had Derek told her? Had he been talking to her about me – us – Haley – the way we were before?

"You have no idea what you're talking about," I hissed, turning on my heel and leaving her alone in the hallway.

I hated her. I hated her for loving him and I hated her for maybe knowing who I really was.


	4. Chapter 4

"So." Our therapist – excuse me, marriage counselor – looked from one of us to the other. "How are we doing this week?"

"Fine," we said at the same time.

He raised an eyebrow, taking in my crossed arms and Derek's stare at the ground. "Something tells me that's not exactly it."

Dr. Miller got no answer; we were like two kids in the principal's office. I knew where this was going and I hated myself for setting up these appointments.

"Did something happen with Meredith?" he asked, saying aloud the name of the person whose presence in the room was strong enough for all of us to feel it.

"No, of course not." Derek's tone was flat.

"So you haven't talked to her, as you said last week?"

"I talk to her at work. I have to do my job. But that's it."

"You told her about Haley," I whispered, and he winced.

"She saw. She asked."

"Who's Haley?" the shrink asked.

We glanced at each other and Derek answered, knowing I wouldn't do it. "Our daughter. She died three years ago. She was three."

Miller looked surprised but quickly covered it up. "You never told me this."

"You never asked."

"Well now we certainly have something to talk about." He looked almost excited. I'm sure his little psychology-filled mind was racing with questions about our unresolved issues.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said slowly.

"Did you see a counselor after this happened?" he asked.

Our silence gave him the answer.

"The loss of a child is a terribly stressful thing on a marriage."

"We know," Derek said tensely.

"How did she die?" Miller asked in a pseudo-gentle voice.

"She had a congenital defect. Called ventricular septal."

Miller's face was blank.

"She had a hole in her heart," Derek explained reluctantly. "She was born with it. It happens sometimes."

I was so grateful to him for doing all the talking. All I could do was listen and try to block the memories.

Then Miller turned to me. "Isn't that your field, with children?"

I nodded. Did I have to be reminded every single time that I couldn't save her?

"Most of time the holes are small, and close up after a few years," Derek went on numbly. "Hers… was big but hard to catch because it was hidden between heart chambers. When it's too big, too much blood pumps into the lungs and it leads to cardiac failure." He sounded like he was giving a lecture to a med student, not describing the most excruciating thing in our lives.

"So she'd had the condition for three years and no one knew?"

We glanced at each other, wondering how many millions of times we'd answered it. "Yes," I whispered.

"What happened when she died?"

Silence.

"I can't believe the two of you have never talked about this with anyone. Were you both there?"

"Yes. We were both at work that night, and they brought her into our hospital," Derek said.

I remembered. I wished I could erase that image of Haley's nanny, a strict older woman, crying hysterically as they wheeled my baby in on a stretcher. I remembered how Derek and I had stood their numbly, not believing our eyes that we were in the middle of rounds and that she had just been brought in. We dropped everything we were holding and saw her lying there, not breathing. Her skin had been deathly pale against her bright pink sweater, and the doctor – our boss, Samuel McArthur – had gently pulled her blonde curls up into a hair cap so they could operate.

They operated, and they failed. And all we could do was watch.

I'd wanted to help, I remembered. I'd screamed and pleaded for them to let me do it, I knew what to do, I'd done it before. But of course they hadn't. They weren't about to let a screaming, sobbing mother operate on her own daughter. And I know that was right. But still.

"That must have been so traumatic for both of you," Miller said. "In circumstances like this, couples tend to go to two extremes. They either depend on each other completely and can't do anything alone, or they grow apart and let it build up."

I guess he didn't need to ask what had happened to us.

"How did you deal with it? Talk with friends, relatives?"

"We didn't take down her room," Derek said suddenly.

I shot him a glare. That was number one on our list of unspeakables.

"Her bedroom?"

"It's still exactly how she left it. In our apartment in Manhattan. We left everything the way it was."

"It's all pink," I said. "That's her favorite color."

"Do you ever go in?"

"I did. After you left," I said to Derek. "I sat in there a lot."

A look of pain flashed across his face and I knew he was imagining me, in that big empty apartment, mourning for our dead baby.

God, I was pathetic.

"And you don't talk about her at all?"

"Why?" I asked tightly. "She's gone. Talking doesn't change that."

_She's gone and it's our fault_.

Derek knew what I was thinking. We locked eyes.

_We never got to say goodbye_.

We have problems, Derek and I. We have issues, yes, but we have history. We've been through what no parent should ever go through. We have secrets. Secrets that shouldn't come out.

And Meredith Grey is the least of them.


	5. Chapter 5

"Are you almost done?" Derek asked impatiently, drumming his fingers on the countertop of the main terminal.

I looked up from the reports I was going over. "I would be if these interns knew how to keep their files straight."

He didn't acknowledge that, knowing that every time I used the word _intern_ I was really referring to Meredith.

It wasn't that I was trying to take forever – believe me, all I wanted to do was leave. Rumors spread around Seattle Grace like wildfire, and somehow everyone seemed to know that the dysfunctional power couple used to be parents. I should have expected it, really. Richard had always known, of course, and I was sure Meredith had run off to tell her little friends as soon as she found out. She was probably getting drunk right now and talking about it, because as usual the world revolved around _her_.

I'd been used to the stares at home. The whispers that resounded through every reputable hospital in New York. _How do they live with themselves after that? How do they come and work at the place where she died?_

But in this middle-of-nowhere state I had welcomed the silence. I didn't mind everyone here treating me with complete contempt. Contempt was a welcome change after three years of pity.

_Oh, yes, Addison's a bitch, but did you hear that her daughter died? She ripped poor Derek away from poor Meredith, but she had to watch her child go through heart failure so she must be an emotional train wreck. Let's all tiptoe around her now and give her sympathetic smiles_.

I hated it and I wanted to get out.

"Done," I muttered, slapping the pile of reports down on the desk.

We waved our goodbyes to the members of the staff we passed on our way out. I let out a sigh when the doors were shut behind us and we walked towards the parking lot. My breath was clearly visible in the crisp November air, and I pulled my fur jacket closer around me.

"I really wish you'd come stay at the hotel with me," I said, finally breaking the silence as we got into the car.

"Why don't you just stay at the trailer?" he replied evenly.

I grimaced. "Derek, please. Think about who you just said that to."

"Right. Sorry." His voice was emotionless as he stared straight ahead, pulling out into the road, which was nearly deserted at this hour of the night.

I instantly regretted my snide answer. I was sure his _girlfriend_ didn't mind spending the night in a tiny trailer. She probably loved it. Then again, Meredith wasn't used to co-ops on the Upper East Side.

"Are you sure?" I asked, leaning over to brush my fingers against his neck, my lips close to his ear. "You really won't come up? I don't want to spend the night alone." I ended it with a slight whimper, the kind I knew he couldn't stand.

He steered with one hand as the other found its way to my thigh. "I guess I could deal with the hotel for one night," he said gruffly.

"Good." Neither of us said what we were thinking – that we had to figure this thing out somehow. If we were going to stay married we needed to sort out a living arrangement, maybe buy a house. We both knew a crappy trailer wasn't going to cut it.

We drove to the hotel – not exactly the Ritz, but not a complete piece of shit – and managed to make it up to the room before tearing each other's clothes off.

I wondered if his eyes looked lost and destroyed when he kissed Meredith, the way they did when he pulled back from kissing me.

And then I wondered if making him stay with me was killing him.

- - - - -

My alarm went off the next morning at four.

"Are you kidding me?" Derek mumbled into the pillow as I leaned over to turn it off.

I settled back down into the covers against him and smiled as he rested a hand on my stomach. I'd forgotten how nice it felt to wake up with his warm body next to mine. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, slow and steady.

"What time is your shift?" he asked groggily.

"Five." I was suddenly wide awake, staring at the bright red digital numbers in the dark room. "I don't want to go in."

"So don't." He put his arm around me and turned me towards him, my hair covering both of our faces as he pulled me down to kiss him.

I felt my heart melt. "I want to stay here with you all day," I whispered.

We used to do that. Before we became workaholics; before Haley died. Once in awhile we would both call in sick, leave her with the nanny and spend the day like this.

He remembered, too, but all he said was, "I'm supposed to start at seven, but I might as well go in early."

"Okay." I pretended to agree as he pushed off the covers and got out of bed. "I don't like the way they look at me now," I said suddenly.

"How do they look at you?"

"Like I'm pathetic and broken."

"It's better that they know. I was starting to feel like we were trying to keep her a secret, like something to be ashamed of. Who cares if they feel sorry for us?"

"I do. I don't want to be pitied."

"Isn't that better than everyone thinking you're a coldhearted, conniving anti-Christ?" he asked calmly.

I narrowed my eyes. "You started that."

He shrugged. "You slept with my best friend."

I stared at him, feeling as though I'd been slapped. He just turned around and walked into the bathroom.

Some days you just can't win.


	6. Chapter 6

Bailey had stuck me on babysitting duty, so I had to take all five of the interns on my rounds that morning. I was trying to treat them all fairly, but it was hard when a certain someone kept looking over at me with wounded almond-shaped puppy-dog eyes.

Oh, get _over_ it.

"So who knows what we should do for Mr. Yamamoto here?" I asked them.

Alex was gazing across the room at some teenage patient in a miniskirt. Meredith bit her lip and stared at the floor, clearly thinking about something else. George looked thoughtful, Izzie flipped through her clipboard, and Cristina said, "Send him to psych."

I frowned. "Why do you say that?"

She nodded towards him and I turned around to look. The elderly Japanese man had stripped himself down to boxers and was humming, looking at us expectantly.

I sighed. "Okay, good call." I rubbed my temples. "Grey, run and get me a coffee."

Meredith nodded, looking pissed off. "Milk, sugar, what?"

I just looked at her.

"Black," she said, answering herself. "Should have known." She turned and walked away.

Whatever. This wasn't easy for either of us, and she was going to hate me no matter what she said.

"You don't have to be such a bitch to her," Cristina said matter-of-factly.

"And you don't have to sleep with your boss, but that's not stopping you, is it?" I asked sweetly, and she shut her mouth.

After rounds, I sent them off to report to Bailey. I was filling out my charts when I looked up to see Meredith following Derek into one of the curtained exam rooms.

Well. That just wasn't a good thing, was it? I glanced around to see if anyone was watching before walking into the curtain next to the one they'd gone in. It was occupied with old woman with a broken hip, who was thankfully asleep.

"What's the matter?" I heard Derek ask gently on the other side of the curtain.

"I miss you," she said simply. "I just want you to know that I really miss you."

Who did the little bitch think she was? She was trying to make him feel guilty… just like I had.

"I know," Derek replied softly. "I'm so sorry, but there's nothing I can do."

"You can leave her," she said hoarsely. "Can you honestly say that she makes you happy?"

"She's my wife." His voice sounded pained.

"She _cheated_ on you," Meredith said incredulously. "Why should you go back to her?"

"It's complicated."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I could tell she was holding back tears. "I love you. I would never do that to you. I make you happy, don't pretend that it's not true."

"She's not who you think she is," he said.

_Thank you_. I felt a little relieved.

"I think she's exactly who I think she is. You said yourself that she was Satan. You would never have gotten back together if she hadn't shown up."

"I don't know."

"Is it all this stuff about your daughter? I wish you would talk to me about it. I'm always here to listen."

How _dare_ she talk about my baby. I wanted to _kill_ her.

"No. Please don't bring that up," he said firmly.

"You said I made you feel alive again," Meredith whispered. "Why? Make me understand why we can't be together. I want to be with you."

"Mer…"

"Let me make you happy." She was now crying softly.

"Please don't do that," he said desperately.

There was a moment's silence. I stood there numbly, knowing that he was probably hugging her or kissing her forehead or something. Then I heard her leave the exam curtain.

I waited another minute and then opened the curtain separating the two rooms.

Derek and I stared at each other. He didn't even look surprised, as if he'd been expecting me to be listening all along.

"You broke her heart," I said quietly.

"I know," he replied simply.

- - - - -

That afternoon, I opened the door to Webber's office without knocking and caught Burke making out with Cristina on his desk.

"Nice," I said. "This entire hospital is just one big whorehouse now, isn't it?"

Cristina glared at me as she jumped down. Yeah, I wasn't making too many friends, but so what? Now they all knew I had a dead daughter so I could say whatever I wanted.

"What do you need, Addison?" Burke asked with a sigh.

"I need to talk to Richard. Where is he?"

"At a conference. I'm taking over for the day."

"Really." Was Burke training to be chief of staff? We all knew Richard's brain tumor wasn't the safest thing, and someone would probably have to fill his position soon. Derek was going to be pissed if Burke got it.

"Yes, so what can I do for you?"

"Nothing, I really need to talk to him." I felt Cristina eyeing me up and down. She was fiercely loyal to Meredith, that much was obvious.

I left without telling Burke that what I needed was someone to talk to. With everyone I knew thousands of miles away, Richard was the one person who had known Derek and I before. And he was probably the one person in this damn hospital who was on my side.

"Addy." I turned in the hallway to see Derek walking towards me.

God, he hadn't called me that in forever.

"Yes?" I quickly put on my calm, cool exterior that worked so well.

"We have to go to that benefit tomorrow night. I wanted to make sure you remembered."

He was right, I'd forgotten. It was one of those hospital charities that required dressing up and a lot of schmoozing. We'd gone to thousands of them in New York, back when we were the power couple.

"Yes, of course." God, I had to find something to wear. "Is your girlfriend going?" I couldn't resist asking.

Instantly his face tightened. "Stop saying that."

"Is she?" I persisted.

"Probably."

"And are you going to freak out if she's dancing or flirting or whatever with random men?"

He looked at me evenly. "Probably," he repeated.

"Thanks for the honesty."

He shrugged. "You asked, darling."


	7. Chapter 7

"Do I look okay?" I inspected myself in the hotel room mirror.

Derek didn't even glance at me. "You look fine."

I frowned and held in a sigh. My new dress was emerald green – the standard color for redheads, I guess, but also his favorite color on me. He didn't seem to notice or care.

"So is your speech all ready?" I asked, attempting at conversation.

"Yes." He was struggling with his tuxedo tie.

"Here, let me." I walked over and did it for him.

I kept my hands on his collarbone for a few seconds longer, our faces close together. "I really want to make this work," I said softly.

"I know," he admitted.

God, his blue eyes were gorgeous. McDreamy indeed.

"I feel like you're not even trying. You're shutting me out just like you did before."

He looked away. "I don't have a lot of reasons to trust you."

"I wish you would stop acting like everything's my fault," I retorted, and instantly regretted it.

He stepped back, looking disgusted. "Right, Addison. Because it was obviously my decision that you have an affair."

"Did you ever think that maybe if you had talked to me once in awhile I wouldn't have had to go to him?"

"We weren't in a perfect place, I know. We were a little messed up after… it happened. But _I_ didn't go out and fuck someone," he shot back.

"It had been two years, Derek," I said, struggling to keep my voice calm. "Two years since she died and you wouldn't even _look_ at me. If I hadn't… if I hadn't done it we'd probably be in the same fucking place, sitting there and being miserable and not talking about her or it or anything."

He closed his eyes momentarily and the room was so silent I could hear the clock's second hand ticking.

One… two… three…

"Don't you think that's where we're heading back to now?" he asked quietly.

- - - - -

The second we stepped into the ballroom for the benefit, we snapped into the roles we'd perfected so long ago. We were successful doctors who knew how to work the room. We kept bright smiles as he slipped his hand across my waist and laughed and greeted the VIPs. We didn't miss a step.

Oh, shit. Miranda Bailey was heading over with the posse of interns. I saw Derek's smile slip a little when he saw Meredith.

"Miranda, you look wonderful," I said smoothly, leaning forward to air-kiss her.

"Thanks," she said dismissively. "Shepherd, I wanted to hear your speech."

"You don't trust me?" he asked.

"To save a life? Sure. But a speech I want to hear."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"I'm trying to teach these people – " she jerked her head towards Alex, George, Izzie, Meredith, and Cristina – "how to schmooze at things like this."

I saw where this was going, and I was _not_ going to spend the next four hours with them. "I have to go talk to someone, I'll be back," I said brightly, and walked away briskly.

Babysitting duty – avoided. Good.

I tried to forget how Derek's eyes had scanned up and down Meredith in her little black dress. She kept her own eyes shyly on the ground. I wondered if she felt as pained as I did when she looked at him.

But hers was just heartbreak. Mine was guilt… and maybe a little heartbreak, too.

I was talking to Preston when Derek found me a few minutes later.

"Hey," he said, taking my elbow.

"I can't stand it when you look at her like that," I said flatly as Preston discreetly slipped away.

He looked impatient. "How am I supposed to look at her? Like nothing ever happened?"

"How about like you're not in love with her," I said, and gulped down the rest of the champagne in my glass.

"I'm _not_," he retorted, his voice rising. "How the hell am I supposed to prove it to you?"

I held his gaze steadily. "Derek, I know you. Are you forgetting that?"

"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do. You don't know who I've been for the past six months. I've changed. It's all changed."

"You don't have to tell me that."

"Well then I expect you to understand that it's going to take some time. I can't just move in with you and act like we're the same people we were."

I felt stupid and angry. I knew what he was talking about, but at the same time I didn't.

"I'll see you later," I said, turning on my heel.

"What are you going to do, go drink all your problems away?" he asked spitefully.

"Fuck you," I mumbled under my breath as I made my way to the bar.

Fuck him for being right and knowing me inside and out.

I sat down on a bar stool – not comfortable in a skintight dress and stilettos. "Gin and tonic," I called to the bartender.

The girl next to me snapped her head up and I found myself staring at Meredith Grey.

"Hi," I said. What else was there to say?

"Hello," she said slowly. She was already drunk. "Addison Mc… Dreamy." Very, very drunk.

Suddenly my drink was in front of me and I gulped it quickly. What had made me think it was okay to come here? Everyone here hated me. Especially the girl sitting next to me.

"Having fun?" I asked. What the hell. Might as well make small talk.

"Not really, you?"

"Not really."

"Another drink over here!" she called to the bartender, and then glanced at me. "Make that two."

"You ladies having a rough night?" he asked as he handed us our drinks. Probably wondering why doctors were alcoholics.

Oh, aren't we all?

Meredith nodded her head towards me. "She's his wife," she said, as if that explained everything.

He nodded knowingly. "Ah."

"He's doing the right thing," she said to me, stammering her words together. "He always does the right thing. He's a good man."

"I know."

"Except for not telling me about you," she went on. "That was dumb."

I nodded, feeling the familiar lightheadedness and welcoming it. "That was dumb," I agreed.

"He never told me about your daughter either," she went on.

My stomach clenched.

"I bet he was a good father."

I forced a nod. Another sip. "He was."

_Derek held onto her hands as she toddled across the thick living room carpet. He let go of her chubby baby fingers and I cried out – don't let her go! But he just smiled and said – watch, Addison. So we stood back and watched and she walked a step forward by herself. No hands. Then another. Baby's first steps. She looked up at us and grinned – chubby cheeks and bright blue eyes. Derek put his arm around me – I told you she could do it, he said. _

I shook my head. No more memories. No more. Another drink.

"It sucks to have people find out stuff," Meredith said contemplatively.

"What?" I asked distractedly.

"Everyone knows my mother thinks I'm eight," she answered morosely. "It sucks."

"I used to work with your mother." I squinted at her, my vision starting to blur.

"Good for you." She sighed into her glass, looking like a heartbroken teenager.

She was only five years younger than me, but I felt like I'd been alive for a lifetime longer.

"I lost her. I lost her and I lost him and I don't have anyone else. I lost her to a disease and him to his perfect wife."

God, the girl was really talking. I wondered how we would both feel about this little bonding session once we were sober.

"I lost her, too," I said quietly. "I lost her to something I should have caught and fixed. And when I lost her I lost him."

And I lost myself.

"You d-didn't lose him," Meredith said. "Lucky bitch."

We smiled at each other for a second.

Maybe she wasn't so horrible. Or maybe it was just the alcohol talking.

"This music sucks," she said, making a face. "I'm gonna go find a bathroom."

I nodded and watched her leave.

Interesting.

Suddenly I heard the song playing – Bryan Adam's _Everything I Do_.

Our wedding song.

I ordered another gin and tonic and downed it in one gulp.

_Look into my eyes… you will see what you mean to me. _

"Hey." I felt a hand on my back and turned to see him.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Good song."

I managed a nod.

_Search your heart, search your soul. And when you find me there you'll search no more._

He held out his hand. "Dance with me?"

I was sure I'd misheard him. "What?"

"Come on." He took my arm and helped me off the chair. I almost fell over. "You're drunk, Addison." He sounded more amused than mad.

I straightened and held onto his arm tightly. "Maybe."

_Don't tell me it's not worth trying for… you can't tell me it's not worth dying for... _

He just laughed and led me out to the dance floor, sliding his arms around me comfortably. It was so easy… when had been the last time we danced? Three years, at least.

_You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you._

God, what had I done?

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "For everything."

He looked sad. "Me too."

I would have given anything to know what he was thinking.

"You look beautiful, even if you are the devil," he said with a smile.

"Thank you."

He was so good. So perfect. I didn't deserve him. I was just a lying, cheating wife.

"This is so hard," I said softly.

He smiled again, sadly. "I've done harder things."

I felt my heart drop. Oh my god, he was talking about Meredith. He was going to say that breaking her heart was the hardest thing.

But then he said it.

"The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 - Reflections**

It started out slowly, you know. Before she died, we used to work the graveyard shift, usually together. We would get back around 6, just as she was waking up, and then one of us would sleep all morning while the other one played with her, and we'd all have an early dinner together and then switch. It wasn't exactly the ideal, nuclear family situation, but it worked for us. We were both able to spend time with the baby, each other, and even catch sleep in between.

But then after… it changed. Neither of us had a reason to be home anymore. We started working more and more. I slowly stopped doing pediatric surgery, because it hurt when children reminded me of Haley. And it hurt even more when I saw parents cry with relief when their little kids were given back to them, okay after a tough surgery. I threw myself into neonatal, which of course was practically the same situations, but newborns were easier to deal with. They weren't old enough to look you in the eye and say _Mommy, I love you_. They didn't carry stuffed animals into surgery; once a little girl had brought the same teddy bear that Haley had into the hospital and it sent me into hysterics. So I spent most of my time with expectant mothers and premature babies, and I guess I became pretty damn good at it. Derek was doing the same, quickly becoming known as a highly capable neurosurgeon.

When you spent every waking moment dealing with other people's problems you didn't have to think about your own.

We gradually began working different shifts until we hardly ever saw each other. One of us would always be working all day while the other spent the night. Each of us was putting in eighteen-hour shifts, easily. Everyone we worked with was impressed that we were dealing with our grief so well. We didn't cry – except for my occasional breakdown alone in the bathroom. Derek sure as hell didn't. We didn't talk about it with anyone unless they asked, and they eventually learned not to ask. We saw each other about an hour a day, and passed in the hospital hallways like complete strangers. If we were home at the same time, we had sex. Fucking was easier than talking. That big apartment that had once been filled with toys and laughing was empty and dark. The only signs of life were the coffee machine that was always in use, and the vodka that disappeared rapidly from the cabinet. I took all the pictures of her and put them in her room, locking the door. That door stayed locked until he left me.

She'd been dead for almost two years, and I felt like I had died too. Derek wasn't there. We were both shells of people, walking and working and nodding that yes, we were okay. But Mark was there. Mark Walker was chief resident of the ER and was Derek's best friend.

Christmas Eve was the first night. We didn't have a tree – our second year of refusing to put up any decorations because what was the point if there was no little girl to set up the ornaments? Every doctor tries to take off for Christmas, and most of them got to that year because Derek and I both volunteered to work. We didn't have anything to be home for.

My shift ended at nine that Eve, but his went on till noon Christmas day. Mark was done at the same time and offered to take me out for coffee on the way home. He was our friend… he knew that I was going home to an empty house. He just wanted to make sure I was okay.

Coffee turned into a stop at the bar, which turned into seven or eight drinks. We were drunk and laughing and god, it felt so good to laugh. Mark realized he couldn't drive home so we called a cab and I asked him to come in, just to have an actual cup of coffee and maybe sober up.

I don't even know who started it. Maybe he had always wanted it, or maybe Derek was right in saying that I always flirted with every man I met. Either way, we ended up in bed that night. And it was nice to be held by someone, to be whispered to.

_Derek doesn't realize what he has_, he said. _You're so beautiful_.

He knew that we were like strangers living together.

_He can't just fuck you like some whore and treat you like that_, Mark said.

I didn't answer, just snuggled against him so he held me tighter. I didn't tell him that I felt even more like a whore, screwing someone else in my husband's bed. My husband's best friend and our colleague, to be exact.

But Mark talked to me. Mark wanted me to learn how to live again, to move on. He saw that I had changed into an ambitious, empty person who couldn't even have a conversation with her own husband.

It wasn't about sex. I wish it was. Instead we spent hours talking, laughing, kissing. And when he did stay the night, it was slow, caring lovemaking. But we weren't in love. I still loved Derek… or I loved who Derek had been before. Mark never said anything, but I could see the guilt in his eyes. I wondered how he managed to act the same around Derek. He was even a good friend to him – taking him out for drinks after work, or on a golf outing. He wanted Derek to recover from our loss, too. He wanted to heal us both, I guess.

It didn't work.

Our little affair went on for six months. Derek and I were starting to recover, but not with each other. Our marriage had been destroyed with Haley. We were making more money than ever before and didn't know what to do with it. We redid the entire apartment except for her room, which stayed shut and untouched. I bought clothes I didn't need and he bought cars he didn't care about. There was no one to spoil but ourselves, and we took no pleasure in it. We never mentioned her name. Ever. She was a tiny little ghost who followed us everywhere, and we thought that talking about it would make it worse. We had careless sex, and afterwards we wouldn't even speak as he got up and slept in one of the guest rooms.

I couldn't bring myself to look at Derek because Haley had had those same piercing bright blue eyes. He hated to see me smile because it reminded him of her. It was so much easier for us to pretend to be strong and avoid each other.

He found out in the most obvious way – coming home from the hospital early one night and walking in on us kissing on the couch. His face was stone as Mark jumped up and stammered how sorry he was. Derek looked from one of us to the other, finally resting on me. I remember pulling my sweatshirt tighter around me and staring him numbly in the eye.

_You fucking whore_, he whispered.

He lifted his hand as if to punch Mark in the face, but then dropped it. He looked so broken that I wanted to run over and throw myself into his arms, telling him that I was sorry and all I wanted to do was fix us but I didn't know how.

_I didn't mean to do this to you_, Mark had said.

_You're supposed to be my best friend_, Derek answered in a low, defeated voice that was so much worse than screaming_. You bastard_.

I remember finally jumping up, grabbing his arm. _I'm so sorry, I love you I just…_

_Don't touch me_, he hissed. _I hope you rot in hell_.

He left that night. I didn't know where he went until a week later, when someone told me he'd found a job in Seattle. He had wanted to put an entire continent between us.

I'd destroyed this man. I knew it and all I wanted to do was find some way to fix it, to make us whole again.

But some wounds might just be too deep to stitch up.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**(Sorry this has taken forever. I'm going to have it pick up right where this week's episode left off…)**

"_He's not one you leave if you can help it_."

I pressed my head against the wall, wishing that someone would tell me what to do. My husband was on the other side of it, probably staring blankly at the television. Probably thinking about Meredith, and how she would never do that to him. Probably wondering if I was with Mark. Probably wishing I would get hit by a car and die in the street.

I knew I should go in there. But what would I say? I couldn't believe that Mark actually showed up today. He flew across the country to try to convince me to go back with him.

Actually… that's what I had tried to do four months ago when I came for Derek. Except somehow I'd gotten sucked into staying in this place.

I'd forgotten the chemistry there. Mark and I had always… gotten along so well. And to have him so close, standing there, telling me he loved me…

Well, that was hard.

But I don't love him. I never did.

_I'm in love with my husband._

_He's not in love with you_.

Of course - he's still in love with his little intern. Maybe I should just leave, let him be happy because he obviously is when he's with her.

But I can't give up on him. Not yet. We're still us. Somewhere under all that hate I'm sure he feels it too. We've been through too much for it not to matter.

I just wish he would try.

_Derek, why can you forgive her and not me?_

_I haven't forgiven her_.

I ran my hands through my hair, the way Derek always used to make fun of when I was stressed. I shakily stood and walked to the bedroom doorway.

He didn't even look at me, just kept staring at the screen.

_I haven't seen you all day._

_I didn't want to see you today, Addison_.

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "Hi."

No answer.

"I told him to go home." I waited. "You know I didn't want him to come, Derek. I haven't spoken to him."

"Well that makes me feel better." He still wouldn't look at me.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and he immediately moved away.

"How many times can I say I'm sorry?" I asked, my voice low and quivering as I tried to keep the lump in my throat down.

"Not enough."

"Have you really not forgiven me?"

He finally looked me in the eye. "No."

I bit my lip quickly.

"I thought maybe… I almost had. I'm trying, Addison, do you get that?" His blue eyes, so pure and so hurt, pierced mine. "But to see him today… talking to you… I couldn't stop seeing it over and over and over." He closed his eyes as if it was in front of his face.

"Derek –" I choked out.

"To see my best friend _fucking_ my wife," he spat out the words. "Every time I saw his face I saw him kissing you. I looked at his hands during that surgery and I saw him _touching_ you and it made me sick."

I just stared at him. What could I say?

"And a man who used to be my best friend, the one I trusted, I can't handle it. Just like I can't handle knowing you betrayed me in the worst way anyone can. I'm sorry if I can't forgive you."

"Will you ever?" I whispered.

He shrugged and looked away. "I don't know."

"So why are you even staying with me?" I couldn't stop it now; the tears were welling up in my eyes. I don't cry. I really don't. This was torture.

"Because I made a vow on our wedding day," he said quietly. "And unlike you, I keep my word."

"You did a good job keeping your word when you were sleeping with Meredith," I couldn't help retorting, wiping my eyes frantically.

He glared at me. "Do you really want to go there?"

I shook my head and we sat in silence for what seemed like hours. I kept wiping the tears that threatened to spill down my face and drown me.

_Your marriage is over. The only thing you have to do is accept it. _

Mark's words rang in my head. But he was wrong. I wasn't going down without a fight, and I was going to keep fighting.

But he'd been right about one thing – I wasn't being honest with Derek. He didn't know everything.

"I have to tell you something," I said.

He looked at me with pure dread. I couldn't believe that I had destroyed this wonderful, loving, perfect man. I'd ruined something inside him and he would never look at me the same way again. I would always be Satan, the woman who ripped out his heart.

I had thought that we were making progress, but then Mark had to show up today and tear those old wounds wide open.

And now I was about to do it again.

"I love you," I said softly. "You're the love of my life and I don't want to be with anyone else for as long as I live. I'm so sorry I fucked up."

"And?" Derek asked expectantly, waiting for the bomb to drop.

"And…" I drew in a shaky breath. "I stayed with Mark after you left. For a little while."

He stared at me and I realized that I hadn't thought it was possible for those blue eyes to be filled with so much hurt and hate.


	10. Chapter 10

"Derek?" I couldn't bring myself to look at him, so I stared at my hands against the bedspread. The French manicure against the ratty white comforter. It was pretty crappy, really. Especially compared to the Egyptian cotton we'd had back home.

The only sound in the trailer was his breathing, slow and heavy. My heart pounded against my chest.

I had no idea what to say so I started rambling, still not looking at him. "I wanted to tell you because I realized that if this is going to work we need to be honest with each other, we really do, and I didn't tell you before because I knew it would hurt you and I'd rather die than hurt you more than I already have – "

"Give it up, Addie."

I finally looked at him again.

He looked weary and defeated. "You made me think that you sat there alone, being miserable, but you really just kept fucking him? What the hell is wrong with you?"

_A lot of things_.

"I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, I'm sure," he scoffed.

"I was so confused," I said desperately. "I was a mess without you, don't you get that? I had no idea where the hell you'd gone, Derek."

"You could have called."

"You wouldn't have answered," I retorted.

"Probably not." He looked away and I felt physically nauseous at the thought of what I'd done.

Finally he raised his eyes to mine again. They looked dark blue, nearly navy, and were filled with a hurt so deep that it chilled me. "Do you really hate me that much, Addison? To do this to me? To _keep_ doing this to me?" I opened my mouth, unsure how to answer, but he kept going. "I mean, I'm trying, for Christ's sake. But now I don't even know if I should be."

He stood up from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. Somewhere. Anywhere." He grabbed his jacket from the chair and slipped it on.

"Derek, please – stay. Talk to me," I begged, grabbing his arm.

"Don't _touch_ me." He jerked his arm away. "I can't sleep next to you. I'll see you tomorrow." He picked his briefcase off the floor.

I felt the panic rising in my chest as I tried to hold back tears, the same way I did when he walked out on me That Night. "Are you – are you going to Meredith's?" I asked hoarsely.

He turned from the doorway to look at me with disgust. "No. Only _you_ would do that."

And then he was gone.

- - - - -

Two bottles of wine, three hours of restless sleep, and four Advils later, I was in the doctor's lounge at Seattle Grace, changing into my scrubs.

"Morning, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," Miranda said brusquely as she opened her locker.

"Good morning," I mumbled, pulling my hair back into a messy bun.

"Rough night?"

"I guess so."

"Hello, Miranda." Someone else entered the room. I continued staring into my locker mirror, refusing to turn and look at him. God, my eyes were bloodshot.

I heard Miranda greet him and then left, probably sensing the tension between us yet again.

"Hi," he said coolly, stepping over to the locker next to mine and spinning the combination.

I faced him. "Hi," I said hesitantly.

He scanned my face. "You're drunk?"

"Of course I'm not drunk. It's five am."

"You _were_ drunk." He looks slightly disgusted with me, as usual.

"Yes," I admitted.

"Chardonnay or Zinfandel? Wait, don't tell me. The white Zinfandel in the cabinet."

I absolutely loathed him for knowing me so well. "Yeah."

"You always used to drink that after we fought."

"It's not my fault you drive me to drink," I shot back.

He shrugged. "Why do you think I came here and had a one night stand in a bar? You do the same thing to me."

I didn't even know what to say. He nodded curtly and turned back to his locker.

Oh, this was going to be a _long_ day.


	11. Chapter 11

"That's it. Time of death, twelve thirty two." I yanked my surgical cap off my head in frustration and started towards the operating room door.

"Dr. Shepherd – " Izzie Stevens called after me, her voice distraught. Poor girl wasn't used to losing patients yet. I turned with a sigh, knowing she was upset. She still got way too involved with her patients. She needed to learn to detach herself. It's the only way to survive this job, really.

"Yes?"

"Can I stay with the nurses and close her up?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, of course." I pulled off my gloves as I left the OR. It was just past noon, I'd already lost a patient, and I hadn't seen Derek since the morning.

And I still had the hangover from hell.

I started heading to Richard's office to tell him that my ovarian cancer patient had been too far gone for me to save. I stopped when I saw Derek down the hallway, talking to Meredith.

Again.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, obviously, but I could imagine it. Derek was telling her what a complete whore his Satan wife was, and Meredith was agreeing and purring and comforting him in that irritatingly sweet puppy-dog way.

I felt it then – felt the hatred coursing through my veins. Who the HELL did they think they were? I fucked up, that was true. But for him to treat me like this – when I was trying to be HONEST with him – well, this was getting out of hand. I was Addison Forbes Montgomery. I was done with taking this.

I waited about thirty seconds, the pounding in my head growing stronger with each one. Finally Perfect Little Intern left and I strode over to Derek.

"So what the _hell_ was that about?" I demanded, standing directly in front of him.

"What was what about?" he shot back.

"Running back to her? Telling her what a horrible person I am?"

"Why do you always need to accuse me, Addison?" he retorted.

"I am so SICK of this, Derek! I don't deserve to be treated like complete crap! I'm trying, why don't you GET that?" My voice was rising, and I didn't care. Let the whole damn hospital look if they wanted.

"You just dropped ANOTHER bomb on me!" he yelled, inches from my face. "You STAYED with MARK. And you're actually surprised that I'm UPSET?"

"Of course not, you asshole," I snapped. "But you didn't have to RUN OUT on me AGAIN! And you even admitted that the whole thing was partly your fault -"

"That's before I knew you KEPT SCREWING HIM after I left! How the hell am I supposed to believe that you want to be with me if – "

"I could say the SAME THING! You're still so caught up in your SLUTTY LITTLE INTERN that I don't know why I put up with it!" I retorted, cutting him off.

"God, you are _such_ a fucking bitch," he said scathingly. I could feel the hot air his breath blew onto my face. "Sometimes I don't even know why I _married_ you."

I reached up my hand and smacked him across the face.

Before I had time to realize what was happening, he had grabbed my hand and pulled me forward into the door that was behind him.

It was an empty patient room.

He glared at me, his cheek bright red and stinging. I saw a tiny drop of blood from where the diamond of my wedding ring had cut him.

"You are _such_ a bitch," he repeated, as one of his hands found its way into my hair and the other to my back, pushing me against the wall.

His mouth pried mine open and the kiss nearly took my breath away.

"But I still love you," he mumbled against my skin.

I closed my eyes tightly.

God, I'd forgotten how much fun it was to have make-up sex.

- - - -

"Well. We haven't done that in awhile," I said softly, drawing lazy circles on his hand with my fingertip.

"No, we haven't," he agreed, mumbling into my hair and kissing my ear.

I smiled. "Think they're looking for us?"

"Who cares?"

"Mmm." I giggled as he gave small quick kisses down my neck. "I always was surprised at how comfortable these little beds can be."

"Remember when we used to do this on every surface in the hospital?" he whispered.

"We were bad interns," I said. "We snuck away all the time."

"If you're going by that definition, before interning, we were pretty bad med students." He looked at me with a grin. "And then bad residents. And, hell, we're pretty bad attendings right now."

"Yeah," I said, realizing that _god_, we'd been together for our entire careers.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Us. And how we used to be."

He sat up and looked at me seriously. "I'm sorry. I never should have said that. I don't regret marrying you – I never have, not for a second." He ran a hand through his hair, which was pretty messed up after what we'd just done. "I just wanted to say something to hurt you – god, you have no idea how much it hurt to find out you stayed..."

"Probably about as much as it hurt when I found out that you'd gotten involved in a _relationship_ out here," I said softly, praying that I wasn't starting another fight.

"It's not completely the same."

"I know."

"But I'm still sorry about it."

"I know. I'm sorry too. We both have a lot to be sorry for." I got up and started pulling on my clothes.

As we finished tying our scrubs, he said, "I wasn't telling Meredith about what you did. We were talking about a case. She's… she's my friend now, but I'm not quite ready to talk to her about my love life."

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. "Okay." I glanced into the mirror and grimaced at my hair.

"You ready?" he asked, his hand on the door handle.

"I guess. Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"We were happy, right?" I asked softly. "Before all this. Before Mark and Meredith, when Haley was still… here. We were happy."

"Yeah," he said gently, his eyes giving me that McDreamy look. "We were happy."

I nodded, biting my lip to hold back the tears that always threatened to spill when I mentioned her. I had gotten pretty talented at hiding it. "Okay, then. Okay."

We walked out of the room, and I braced myself for a berating from Webber or Bailey. But the hallways were relatively quiet.

"I better go find Burke and see when my surgery's scheduled for. Are you okay?"

I managed a nod.

Derek grabbed my hand and squeezed it as he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. "We were more than happy," he whispered. "We were perfect."


	12. Chapter 12

Time. He just needed time. That's what I kept telling myself every time he looked at Meredith and every time his eyes lit up just a little bit when she came into the room. Every time he kissed me with no feeling and looked right through me… that's what I was still saying over and over in my head. He just needed time.

I sat in the gallery watching him perform yet another brain surgery. Meredith had scrubbed in, too, and even though I knew he hadn't personally requested her, it killed me that she was in there with him.

The microphones were on, of course, and I could hear (or was I only imagining it?) the tenderness in his voice as he said, "A little to the left, Dr. Grey. Good."

I didn't realize how intently I was watching them until Burke swung open the gallery door, and I jumped at the noise.

"Hello, Addison."

"Hi, Preston." I went back to watching and spinning my wedding rings around and around on my finger.

"I heard this was a big procedure. I'm surprised there aren't more people up here watching," he said, referring to the two other viewers, both new med students, who were sitting right up against the glass and taking notes.

I shrugged. "Richard and Miranda are operating on some guy who swallowed his girlfriend's jewelry. I guess that drew all the big crowds."

He rolled his eyes. "What IS it with people in Seattle and swallowing things?"

"I have no idea. Because they're all hicks?" I suggested.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry. I'm a little tired."

"And a little too Manhattan."

"I don't understand why that's a bad thing. Everyone here acts like I'm so stuck up. I can't help what I'm used to."

"Seattle's a city too, you know," he said with a smile.

"Barely."

He leaned back in his chair, watching the operation below. "You really don't like it here, do you?" he asked quietly.

"It's not home. Maybe it will be, but at this point I can't tell." I kept twisting my rings around, my eyes still on Derek.

"Just give it time."

I nodded, but I wanted to scream.

Time. Just wait for it to pass. He just needed time.

I was so sick and tired of giving him time.

- - - -

I found him in the staff room after the surgery, getting his white lab coat from his locker.

"What is it, Addison?" he asked without turning around. He knew it was me, he could always tell without looking and it irritated me for some reason.

"We need to talk."

"That doesn't sound good. Especially after what you told me last time we had to talk." He turned to face me and crossed his arms.

I wanted to tell him I was sick of this, sick of the way he pulled me back and forth. _I want you, I need you… but no, I can't, I'm not ready_.

"When are we going to do this?" I asked finally.

"Do what?"

"Sell your shitty – I mean, sell your trailer and find somewhere to actually live?"

He shrugged. "Soon. We've been busy, in case you haven't noticed."

"I've noticed. But Derek, we can't keep living like this."

"You're just not used to it yet. I like the trailer. I love the trailer. The trailer is my happy place." He smiled teasingly.

"I'm your wife."

"I'm aware of that."

"How long have you known me?"

"Fifteen – no, sixteen years." He frowned slightly. "God, we're old."

I ignored that last comment. "And as someone who knows me, what would _ever_ make you think that I'd be happy living in a trailer in the middle of the forest?"

"I wasn't exactly thinking of what _you_ would want when I bought the property," he said gently.

"Yeah… I know." I paused. "So I think… I think we should go back to Manhattan."

He looked stunned. "What?"

"Our friends are there. We have a home there. We can go back to Sacred Heart and –"

"And work with Mark?" he asked bitterly. "Think again."

"Then we'll find another hospital, Derek. Everybody wants us."

"They want us here, too. What's wrong with here? I like it here."

"I don't," I said flatly.

"Why, it's not bitter and dark enough for you?"

"I don't want to leave her for good," I said suddenly.

He leaned back against the locker, looking pained. "Addie…"

"Her room is there. Her… grave. I don't want to leave her alone."

That got him, as I knew it would. I didn't even know how often he'd gone to her grave… the past few years, I'd gone alone. On her birthdays I would lock myself up with a bottle of vodka after going to the cemetery. I never knew where he was… on her birthday and the anniversary of her death he was always gone. Yet another sign of our lack of communication, I guessed.

"I think it's better for us here," he said.

"You mean it's better for _you_."

"You just signed on with Richard! I have a life here. We can't just pick up and go."

"So we'll give them notice. Please." Why wasn't he giving in? I always got my way with him… Well, almost always. "I don't belong here."

"You will."

"I don't care that they hate me, I'm not looking to make friends. But this is not where we're supposed to be. We're not… _Washington_ people."

"You just hate the trailer."

"Of course I hate the trailer. You can't pick me up out of a million dollar brownstone in Manhattan and a summer house in the Hamptons and put me in a _trailer_, Derek. Seriously"

He forced a smile. "I know. Trust me."

"So…" I waited.

"So I like Seattle. And I like the trailer and I'm not getting rid of it. We can build a house on the land but I'm keeping the trailer."

"You're really serious about not going back home?" I asked, dumbfounded.

He nodded slowly. "I am. I don't belong there anymore. I'm not… I'm not the same person I was in New York."

And for the first time, I realized that he was right.


	13. Chapter 13

As luck would have it, a five-car pileup interrupted the rest of our little talk that afternoon. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to have a conversation with my husband without both of our beepers going off and demanding that we sprint up to the operating rooms.

So we'd left the living situation up in the air for about twelve hours. Neither of us wanted to bring it up again. Kind of a hot topic.

It was five-thirty am, and my shift was starting soon. I stared into my black coffee, thinking about what he'd said the day before.

_I'm not the same person I was in New York_.

The words resounded in my head.

The thing was, they were true. He wasn't Derek Shepherd, hotshot doctor who loved being one of the most renowned surgeons in the city – hell, on the east coast. Part of the reason we'd gotten married was probably because we were both ridiculously ambitious, even as med students. We knew we wanted to make it to the top, and we got there together. We loved the city and the fast life and working all the time and being the best at what we did.

But now he was just different. It was as if he'd discovered this whole other side of him – someone who liked nature and fishing and living "the simple life" or something. I would never have thought Derek, of all people, would like living in the middle of nowhere. He found some new part of himself out here. And I guessed he found someone who loved the new him.

Maybe I was clinging too much to what he used to be.

"Morning, Addie." He walked in the kitchen – or stepped into it, really, because – oh wait - we lived in a TRAILER.

I glanced up from my newspaper and handed him the sports section wordlessly.

"Thanks," he said, sitting across from me and pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot I had out already. "So I've been thinking about this."

"You have?" I immediately put down the paper. I hated the little part of me that was _still_ so terrified that the reason he didn't want to move was because he still wasn't sure he'd made the right choice in staying with me instead of Meredith.

He nodded. "What if we keep the apartment but build a house here? That way we can still go back and visit… her… you know."

"I…" I pictured our beautiful brownstone, with Haley's bedroom inside. Now the entire place would be empty and heartbreaking, permanently. It seemed so sad, but I knew there was no way in hell I was ready to give up our old home, and this was the only way I could keep it. I sighed. "Okay."

"I just… I know you want to go back there. I know every single fiber of you screams 'New York.' Everyone can see it, and I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't go back there. Do you get that? There's just too many horrible memories."

"There's good ones, too," I said softly.

"I know. But we can remember them from here."

"I guess so." I had a feeling that this particular battle was one I couldn't win. At least I'd be able to go back sometimes and visit our friends – and Haley's things - when I stayed in our old home.

"We'll have some of her stuff shipped out here, if you want," he said, reading my mind as usual. "And when we build a house we can have our furniture sent out."

"Okay." God, I couldn't _wait_ to have the rest of my wardrobe. There was no room for it here. And I wanted our pictures of her – I only had the one I kept in my dresser drawer, hidden.

"So we still have to sell the summer house, obviously," he said, his tone more official. "And I'm pretty sure it's in your name, so you can take care of that, it should sell in a snap, being beachfront." He paused. "But it's still going to be kind of a stretch to keep the apartment and build a house here…"

"Don't worry about it," I said.

"What do you mean?"

I hesitated. "I mean… we can afford it."

His brow creased. "I know we're each making two million a year, Addie, but after malpractice and taxes on this property _and_ paying the ridiculous New York co-op prices – "

I interrupted him. "I'm - umm, I'm kind of making more than two million a year," I said quickly, standing up and grabbing my bag.

His mouth dropped open. "What?"

"Time for work. I'll see you later." I dropped a kiss on his forehead and sped for the door.

"Oh my god, I am going to KILL Richard!" I heard him yelling after me.


	14. Chapter 14

"So how are we doing this week?" Dr. Miller asked us a few days later at our counseling session. He started every meeting with the same stupid question.

Derek was broodingly staring at the floor.

"We're fine," I answered for both of us.

The shrink raised an eyebrow, looking at Derek. "Dr. Shepherd? Are you alright?"

Derek looked up and said flatly, "She makes more money than I do."

I started laughing and immediately covered it up when he glared at me. "Are you serious?" I asked. "That's why you've been acting so weird the past few days?"

"I am a _neurosurgeon_," Derek said, turning to the amused therapist. "I operate on people's _brains_. Why does she get paid almost twice as much to deliver babies?"

"Hey," I said indignantly. "I do more than deliver babies and you know it."

Miller shrugged helplessly, looking to me for assistance. "I… I don't know medicine very well."

"Obviously not," Derek muttered, crossing his arms and leaning back into the chair.

"Derek, seriously." I turned in my chair to face him. "You DO realize you're being ridiculous, right?"

"Richard said it's because he needed to pay you enough to keep you from going back to New York," he said, ignoring my question.

"I would have stayed either way. I didn't ask him for anything, he just offered."

"You always were his favorite," Derek scoffed.

I rolled my eyes. "Why do you care anyway? You don't care about money anymore, as you've made perfectly clear. You want the trees and the bugs and the trailer and the fish." I wrinkled my nose.

"Trout," he corrected me.

"Whatever. If it's not file mignon, it's gross."

Derek threw up his hands in exasperation. "You and your tastes."

"Maybe that's why I make more money than you," I teased.

"Stop it."

"Okay, I'm sensing some financial tension," Miller interrupted us.

Wow, really observant. Speaking of money, how much were we paying this guy for this bullshit?

"It's fine," I assured him. "He'll get over it."

Derek made a small scoffing sound and looked away. I held back a smile. He was such a little kid sometimes, and I kind of liked our petty fights.

They were a lot more fun than our real fights, anyway.

- - - - -

"Derek, have you found those old CT scans for my patient yet?" I asked, walking into one of the file rooms that afternoon while scanning the notes in my hand.

No answer. I looked up to see him sitting at the desk, staring out the window.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" he quickly turned around. "Oh. Hi."

"CT scans?" I repeated.

He waved his hand toward a pile of papers. "Right there."

"Thanks." I picked up the files and turned to leave, but then I glanced at him again. He was still staring out the window. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He avoided my eyes.

"No, really, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Addison," he said, with a slight edge of irritation.

"I swear to God, if this is about the salary thing again – "

He interrupted me. "It's not."

"Than what?"

"I'm just tired. Don't worry about it."

I stepped closer to the desk again. "I kind of know you, remember? If we're going to make… _this_ work you're going to have to talk to me."

He sighed.

"Derek, seriously."

"You don't want to hear it."

"I'm sure that's not true. Please, just talk to me." I hoped I didn't sound pathetic. I knew that most of our problems came from 'lack of communication.'

"Fine." He took in a breath. "It's about Meredith."

I winced. "You're right. I don't want to hear it." I sat down on the edge of the desk and looked down at him. "Keep going. What is it?"

I was all too aware of my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for his answer.

"She… she has a boyfriend."

I processed this, unsure how to respond. I didn't want to attack him for being jealous when it was killing me that he still was, because then he would just hate me. "Oh."

"And I know…" he swallowed, avoiding my eyes. "I know that I have no right to be… jealous, or anything, and it's not like she hasn't slept with other guys since… it's just…"

"She used to be _your_ girlfriend," I finished for him.

"Yes."

We sat in silence for a moment. "You were… you really did have a relationship with her, didn't you?" I asked softly, pain in my chest.

He nodded.

"How – " I tried to keep my voice steady. "Derek… how – explain to me how my _husband_ could just run off and… and fall for some stranger in a couple of months."

"Addison…"

"Please. I need to know. You said you loved her and I need to know how," I said, clutching the papers in my hands tightly. "I had… I had sex with Mark, I had a thing with him, but it never meant anything like that. You treated her like a girlfriend, you slept at her house and ate breakfast together and met her friends and went out. You _dated_. How the hell did you remember how to do all that when you'd been married for eleven years?"

"I don't know," he said helplessly. "I pretended you didn't exist. I didn't… I tried to forget you… whenever I thought of you all I saw was that night."

"How could you love her?" I whispered. "How could you love someone else when you knew I was still your wife?"

"You weren't exactly wife of the year in my mind during that time," he said.

"I KNOW that, okay?" I snapped. "Give me another reason how you could fall in love so fucking quickly, because I can't imagine how."

"You didn't _need_ me, Addie!" He finally snapped. "You've never needed anyone in your life. You're so fucking independent and you'd rather die than be vulnerable and you make sure everyone knows that you don't need to be taken care of. And it's always been something I admired in you, but then I met her and she _needed_ me. She made me feel like I was taking care of her and I guess I needed that. I feel so _useless_ with you sometimes."

"God, you are _so_…" I searched for the right word. "Chauvinistic! So you ran away from me after eleven YEARS and found someone who worships the ground you walk on? So that's why you fell for her. That's why you don't want me anymore. Because I'm not a twenty-something intern who ADORES you and is SO IMPRESSED that you're a brain surgeon and calls you McDreamy? I can't worship you like that, Derek. You're human and I… I love you but I can't idolize you like that because you still have your flaws."

He opened his mouth to respond but I kept talking. "I know, I do too. Trust me, I know. But that's what a real relationship is. She treated you like this big deal brain surgeon and I'm sorry if I can't idolize you in that way because I know you so well."

"I don't want to be idolized, Addison. I just… everyone wants to feel needed sometimes." He stood up and looked at me steadily. "And especially after… after she died. You just shut me out. You didn't need me and I couldn't help you and I couldn't help myself. That's why we fell apart. That's why I was able to fall in love with her. Do you understand?"

He gathered a few papers from the desk as I watched silently. "I have to get back to work," he said. "I'm sorry about this… boyfriend thing. I'll get over it." He touched my hand briefly. "I'll see you later."

And once again, all I could do was watch him walk away.


	15. Chapter 15

It only took me twenty minutes to find Meredith Grey in the hallway.

"Dr. Grey," I greeted her.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." She looked up briefly to give me a nod and continued scribbling notes on her clipboard.

"So… I hear you have a boyfriend."

She almost dropped her clipboard. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"What's his name?" I asked warmly. Friends. We were being friends.

"Finn," she said, eyeing me warily. "He's a vet."

"Doc's vet?" I asked in surprise.

"Yup." Her eyes looked around carefully, presumably for an escape route.

"Just can't get enough of doctors, huh?"

"Uh, I guess not." She smiled uncomfortably.

"So with Finn… it's going good?"

"Yeah, it is," she said cautiously. "He's really sweet."

"Well, I think it's great," I said decisively. "Good for you."

She looked surprised. "Thanks."

I nodded. "See you later."

She seemed pretty happy, I mused as I walked away. Good. Maybe this would finally get her out of Derek's mind once and for all.

- - - -

"Ready to go?" he asked me six hours later when he walked into the doctor's lounge.

"Yeah." I folded my scrubs and put them in the locker next to my sneakers. "Do you want to stop for dinner on the way home?" I asked as I slipped into my heels.

"Do you mind if we just grab take-out? I'm exhausted."

I sighed. Another night of eating out of containers around our tiny, tiny kitchen table. I had been looking forward to a real sit-down dinner and maybe a talk. "Sure."

We walked out through the lobby together, and as soon as we stepped outside the wind hit us so strongly that I lost my breath for a moment. It was starting to rain.

"God, I love this Seattle weather," I said as we ducked our heads and walked into the wind. I had to hold down my skirt to keep it from blowing up.

Derek didn't respond, and stopped walking. I stopped and looked at him and saw that he was watching a couple walking ahead of us. They were holding onto each other and laughing as the wind whipped around them.

It was Meredith. And the guy I assumed was Finn.

"Derek," I said, but the wind carried my voice away. "Derek, come ON," I called louder.

He finally tore his eyes away from them and looked at me.

I saw it then – the pain, the defeat. He knew that he'd lost her and it hurt.

I stood facing him, and I saw his eyes following the couple behind me until they'd disappeared into a car. The wind still whipped around us, and my hair was going in all directions. Derek stood with his hands shoved deep into his jeans, shirt untucked and black jacket flapping slightly in the wind.

"Derek." I stepped forward, closer to him.

"I…" his voice trailed off. "I didn't want to believe it." Raindrops were collecting on his face but he didn't seem to notice.

"She moved on." I stated the obvious. "Did you really think she was going to wait for you forever?"

"Yeah, I know. I mean, no, I didn't... maybe." He wiped the drops on his forehead with his sleeve and started walking again, passing me.

"Derek!" I couldn't help crying out. I grabbed his coat and he spun to face me. "_I_ need you," I said softly, feeling the rain pouring down my face and definitely ruining my hair. "Why don't you _get_ that?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" he said. "I'm just… this hurts. More than I thought it would. I'm sorry you have to see me like this over her, but I don't know what else I can say."

"Say you don't regret choosing me," I said simply. "Please."

He sighed and took off his jacket. He grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him so he could hold it over both of our heads. "I don't regret it."

"Okay," I whispered.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I just didn't think that doing this with you was… this isn't supposed to be this hard."

I shivered slightly as we resumed walking, the jacket barely helping to keep the rain off us as we made our way through the downfall.


	16. Chapter 16

I couldn't believe that I'd been in Seattle for six months. Richard had called me in for the biannual review he did with each of his attendings.

"So, Addison," he began, flipping through the files on his desk. "How would you summarize the last six months."

"Seriously, Richard?" I raised an eyebrow.

He looked up at me and smiled. "In terms of work."

"I _know_," I teased. "Pretty good, I'd say. I like the majority of the people I work with and I think you've got a very talented staff."

"I agree." He scribbled something on the paper. "I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am to have you on board. You're a fabulous surgeon, as I always knew you would be."

"Thank you," I said, flattered.

"Actually, I have a confession to make. But you have to promise not to tell a soul."

"Okay," I said curiously.

"When the time comes… I'm planning on putting in my recommendation for you to be chief of surgery after my term is done."

I stared at him, shocked. "Seriously?"

He smiled. "Seriously."

"Derek and Preston are going to kill me," I responded automatically.

"They'll have to accept it. I've been playing with the idea for awhile, and I really think it's the right thing to do. I have all the faith in the world in you, and I wouldn't want to leave my OR to anyone but the best."

"Wow, I…" I was speechless, my head literally spinning. "God. Thanks, Richard."

"No, thank you. Just don't screw up anything major between now and when I step down. Which, by the way, will be never."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I'll try."

"So, on that note… have you given any thought to how long you'd like to renew your contract for?"

I paused. "I guess… I guess for however long you want me. I think we're staying here for… for good. Especially after that little offer you just made me, how could I leave?"

"Good," he looked pleased. "I have to say, I've been concerned that you two might want to head back to Manhattan once you'd worked things out."

"I wanted to," I said honestly. "But he really, _really_ likes it out here."

"I can tell. I haven't seen him this close to being happy since before your daughter passed away," he said gently.

I winced, just like I always did when her name came up. "Yeah," I said simply.

"She would be seven this month, right?"

I swallowed. "April 20. Yes."

- - - flashback - -

_"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to say goodbye to our beloved Haley Elizabeth Shepherd, who was taken from us much too soon."_

_I stood in the front row, sandwiched on either side by Derek and my mother. Both of them were holding my hands._

_"We cannot begin to fathom the good Lord's reasons for taking His child into Heaven, but we must know that all of our questions will be answered when we are reunited with her in Paradise."_

_"She's three," I whispered. "She's three years old." The pastor gave me a pitying look and I wondered if the entire congregation had heard. What did it matter? _

_I didn't even know what was going on for the rest of the sermon. Then there were hugs and "I'm so sorry's" and "It's just so sad" and "Call me if there's anything I can do."_

_"Addison, how are you holding up?" Richard Webber appeared in front of me with his wife Adele. I recalled vaguely that he was now working out in Washington somewhere. _

_I shrugged helplessly. "I… I wish it was me. I wish I were – " I couldn't say the d-word – "instead of her. It's not fair."_

_"No, it's not." My old mentor, the man who'd taught me the best of what I knew, leaned forward to hug me. "I don't even know what to say. You don't deserve this."_

_"No one deserves this," I said thickly, accepting Adele's kiss on the cheek and promise to stop by and see me this week. _

- - - end flashback - -

"Addison?" Richard's gentle voice broke me out of the memory of that awful day.

"Sorry, I was just… remembering how nice it was that you were there for us," I said. "I mean, there were others of our old teachers and bosses who flew across the country for the funeral, but they only came because they wanted to look like they cared because Derek and I were, well, famous. But you and Adele stayed in town and kept checking on us. I really appreciated that."

"Of course, Addie," he said, with as much tenderness as Richard Webber would ever show to anyone. "We couldn't imagine how you two made it through alive."

I nodded, but I couldn't help thinking that I wasn't sure if we really had.

- - - -

"Hey, I'm home," I announced to the trailer as I tossed my keys onto the table. Doc immediately bounded over, tail wagging. "Hey, buddy." I patted his head absently. "Derek?"

"In here," he called.

I stepped into the so-called living room and found him sitting on the floor, surrounded by boxes. "Some of our stuff from the Hamptons house came."

"Oh, I didn't know you'd ordered for it." I sat down on the edge of the couch.

"I didn't. Mark sent it."

"What?"

"I know, it's weird. But I guess when it got sold he was still listed as one of our contacts or something. So he sent all of our personal stuff out here."

"What stuff did we have there, anyway?" I leaned down to look into the boxes. When Haley had been around, we would take weeks off at a time during the summer and spend it at our beach house. But after it happened, we'd both refused to take vacation time. Being on the beach wasn't nearly as much fun when there was no little girl running around. So our summer house had been basically unused the past few years.

"Random," he answered, sorting through an open box. "Picture frames and some old photo albums and books." I saw him pick up a photograph of the two of us with Mark and quickly put it down.

"Did he… write a note or anything?" I asked gently.

"Yeah," Derek said after a moment's pause. He handed me a folded letter.

I opened it slowly, all too aware that Derek was watching my face for my reaction.

_Derek and Addison – _

_I know you don't want to hear from me, but I didn't want to send these boxes out without saying a word, so here goes. When they sold the house the realtor called me and asked me to come pick up all the odds and ends that hadn't been sent to auction with the furniture. I know you guys probably have no room out there but I thought you would want this stuff. They also gave me what was still there of Haley's toys, and I had them put in storage because I didn't know what you wanted to do with them. Let me know. _

_It was so strange to be in that house and remember visiting you during the summers out there. Who knew how much could change in three years?_

_Derek, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If you ever feel like you can forgive me, let me know. _

_And Addie, all I want – all I've ever wanted – is for you to be happy. _

_No matter what, you two are my best friends. _

_Hope all is going well in Seattle. _

_All the best, _

_Mark _

"Well." I looked up from the letter to see Derek looking at me expectantly. "That was nice of him, I guess."

"I guess," Derek said bitterly.

As I looked down at Mark's familiar handwriting, the memory that had come to mind at Richard's office that afternoon floated up again.

- - - - flashback - - - -

_The line continued. People from the hospital, old friends from medical school, all of Derek's sisters and their families. Everyone was crying. Everyone had loved her. _

_What wasn't to love? She was a perfect little girl. She hadn't had a chance to grow up and screw up her life yet. _

_Only one person said something that woke me up. _

_"It's not your fault," Mark whispered, holding me close against his chest and kissing the top of my head. "My God, Addie, it's not your fault." _

_"She's only three," I mumbled into his chest. My eyes were dry from crying for three days straight. "She didn't even… she's never had anything worse than a cough. And now this…"_

_"There's no way you could have known," he said softly. "No one could have caught it, Addison. You can't blame yourself. Neither of you can." He held me closer. "I've been here this whole time, remember? You're the best mother anyone could ask for. Both of you are – were – wonderful parents. You did everything right."_

_"But she's dead." That word – that horrible word that I had used hundreds of times when describing patients, now described my own daughter. "My baby."_

_"I know," Mark said, his voice cracking. I knew how much he loved being her 'Favorite Uncle Mark.' He was our best friend and her godfather. He used to pick her up and swing her around and she would giggle, infecting us all with her happiness. _

_"You guys are gonna make it through this, Addie. I promise."_

- - - - end flashback - - - -

"He really just wanted us both to get better, Derek," I whispered.

"He had an interesting way of helping you out," he snapped back.

"She'd been gone for three years before it happened. Three _years_."

"Are you saying that you had me on some kind of timer? Oh, three years passed, and my husband's still not himself again so I guess I'll go fuck his best friend?" he demanded.

"That's not true and you know it."

"I'm going to bed." He stood up. "I'm so sick of having this conversation with you."

"I'm sick of you being in such a bad mood because Meredith has a boyfriend," I shot back.

He just shook his head and left the room.

I sighed and picked up the picture Derek had discarded, of Mark with the two of us. It had been taken at our wedding. We were all so happy.

I didn't love Mark, but he helped me heal, I guess. He helped me try to become a whole person again. He made me smile when my husband couldn't see past his grief enough to look at me.

I think maybe… that's what Meredith did for Derek.


	17. Chapter 17

I couldn't sleep.

It was half past one, I had to get up at six for my shift, and I couldn't sleep.

I tossed and turned in the bed, all too aware that I was the only one in it.

_We just had two car crash victims come in with brain damage. I might be in surgery all night. Don't wait up. _

All I wanted to do was sleep and not think.

I had a husband who may or may not hate me. I had a dog who belonged to his ex-girlfriend. I had a daughter who would have been almost seven years old had she not DIED because of ME. I had no friends to turn to. And, oh yes, I had the world's tiniest trailer on the world's most useless twenty acres of land.

I finally gave up and got out of bed to pour myself a glass of wine. I sipped it and watched Doc sleeping on the floor at my feet.

It must have been nice to be a dog and sleep peacefully without nightmares of things you couldn't change.

I wanted to call someone – anyone – who would listen. I ran through my options. Adele Webber, who cared about me more than my own mother, would listen but Richard would probably bite my head off for waking them up at this hour. Izzie Stevens, who I was slowly bringing along as my student, would feel more than awkward talking to me about anything pertaining to Derek, since she _lived_ with Meredith. I loved Derek's sisters, but after the affair they'd all lost their trust in me. I realized that I hadn't kept in touch with any of my friends from Manhattan – but then again, I'd pretty much lost all my friends after Haley died and I threw myself completely into work. There was only one person who had always been there for me.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was dialing a number I had memorized long ago.

The voice answered after two rings. "Addie?"

I sighed. "Hi, Mark."

"What's wrong? Isn't it really late there?"

"Pretty much."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I can't sleep and I just wanted to talk to someone."

"Addison…" His voice was so deep and rich and familiar that I couldn't believe he was really thousands of miles away.

"I know. I know I shouldn't have called."

"I'm just glad to hear your voice. So what's going on?"

I could tell that he was trying not to bring up anything pertaining to the fact that I'd never shown up at the bar that night.

"I'm just… I'm so tired and I can't sleep."

"Where is he?"

"At the hospital."

Mark sighed. "So nothing's changed. After all this, nothing's changed."

"He's the best." To my surprise, I found myself defending Derek. "He works hard and maybe I hate it, but he's the best and he saves people's lives."

"I know. You don't need to explain that to me. But I also know that he's probably treating you like you're invisible."

I didn't say anything, just stared at the floor, holding the phone close to my ear.

"I've seen it. I've been seeing it for years, Addie."

"We're working on it," I said softly. "It's going to get better. It _has_ to get better."

"And let me guess, he's still pining over his little intern?"

I winced. "God, I really wish you didn't know us so well."

"Sometimes I wish that too," he teased. "Sometimes I think I must be really fucked up to have the two people I cared about most in the world across the country, both miserable and one wishing I were dead."

"He doesn't wish you were dead. And I'm not miserable." I paused. "Well, not completely."

"I miss you."

"Don't. Please don't."

"Don't love you? I can't help that, Addison. You know how I feel. How _we_ felt."

"I don't love you, not like that. You're one of my best friends, but I'm in love with my husband. I told you already." I paused. "I still can't believe I did this to you. And to him. And to us."

"I just want you to do what you really want to, not what you think you should. I have to be honest, I don't think that you and Derek will ever go back to what you used to be."

"We might."

"You might," he repeated. "But you won't."

"Don't be a dick."

"I can't help it, doll."

"See, _this_ is why you and I could never be more than dirty adulteresses. You're way too much of an asshole." I couldn't help smiling. I missed the way Mark and I teased each other – the same way Derek and I used to tease each other.

"Well, you're Satan, apparently. So I think we'd get along."

I didn't like where this conversation had gone to. "Look, I have to go. This was a bad idea."

"Addie, I've barely talked to you in six months and I still think about you every single day."

"I can't… I can't do anything about that, Mark."

"We used to be so close."

"You also used to be close with Derek. Why don't you try to patch things up with him inside of me?" _Because maybe then he could really forgive me_, I added silently.

"Hey, you're the one who called me."

"I know. I'm sorry, Mark. For everything."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Addie. Let me know how everything's going." He paused. "If I can't have you, he better fucking start acting like he deserves you."

"Thanks." I hung up the phone and stared at it.

What the hell was wrong with me?

There was a man – a very hot, successful, caring man – who was in love with me. Who knew everything I'd gone through and just wanted to make me happy. So why didn't I just pack up and go back to him in New York where I belonged?

I knew why. It's because I wasn't in love with Mark. I was in love with the idea of Mark. In love with the idea that someone actually cared I existed, would make time for me, would hold me. Mark just filled up the space Derek left every time he worked late, went in early, brushed by me in the hallway. He'd told me I was beautiful when Derek was too tired or too hurt or too busy to notice. Mark had made time for me in his schedule while my own husband scheduled every surgery possible to avoid having to go home to me and our childless house.

He was just a replacement. But our little fling meant a lot more to him that it had to me.

I wondered if I was waiting too long for Derek to come back and take the place he was supposed to.

Maybe I was waiting too long. Maybe it was going to take forever. But I knew I loved him, and I had to give it everything I had.


	18. Chapter 18

_(Can you BELIEVE the finale? Jesus. Those writers are my gods.) _

The morning after the prom for Richard's niece, I was sipping my second cup of coffee when Derek finally rolled out of bed. He silently poured himself a mug and sat down across from me.

He was being so quiet that I knew he was probably still mad at me for my public blowup the day before.

I sighed. "Look… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have flipped out on you."

"It's fine," he muttered, his eyes glued to the newspaper.

"I mean, there's nothing." I waited for him to agree with me, but my only answer was more silence. "Nothing with you and Meredith."

He kept reading, giving me a barely perceptible nod.

"Derek."

"What?"

"Why are you so…" I didn't know how to finish my question. "Are you sure you're not mad?"

"Yeah," he said quickly. "I'm going to hop in the shower. Don't bother waiting, I'll take my car."

"Okay," I said quietly, staring at him as he drained the last of his coffee and headed for the tiny bathroom.

- - - - -

The only thing that spread faster than diseases at Seattle Grace was gossip. And the second I walked through the door that morning, I could literally feel it buzzing.

Usually this wouldn't have bothered me. Usually I would dismiss it as another rumor about Stevens and Karev hooking up AGAIN or another epidemic of syphilis or Chlamydia or god-knows-what going around the sex-crazed nursing staff.

But this time I could tell something was different. It took me a moment to place it, but then I recognized the feeling.

It was about me.

As I walked through the lobby and then the hallway, I was getting the same looks I had gotten when I'd first come to Seattle.

I remembered the whispers all too well.

_That's McDreamy's wife._

_Meredith's McDreamy? He has a WIFE?_

_Hotshot doctor from New York_. _She must be such a bitch._

I shook my head slightly as I walked into the doctor's lounge. I had to be imagining it. No one was staring and no one was whispering. What could they possibly have to say about me? Everyone knew Derek and I had problems but were working it out, everyone knew we had a dead daughter, everyone knew Mark had already come once to try to bring me back. I couldn't think of anything else about my life that was worth gossiping about.

But the uneasy feeling didn't go away after I'd gotten dressed and headed over to look at the surgery board, sipping my coffee.

Miranda appeared beside me and I swear she gave me a pitying look. "Looks like I'm helping you deliver the triplets in that c-section this afternoon," she said after studying the board for a moment.

"Yeah." I paused, unsure how to ask her if anything was going on without sounding completely paranoid. "Um, Miranda – "

"Sorry, I have to go check on a patient, I'll be right back." She disappeared way too quickly.

Okay, that was it. There was something totally weird going on.

I found my victim immediately – George was heading out of Curtain 1 with an IV in hand.

"O'Malley!"

He spun to face me and his face paled. "Hi. Dr… Montgomery… Sheperd," he stammered.

"Can I have a minute?"

"Umm…" he looked absolutely panicked. "I have to go – check – I mean – "

"Now, O'Malley."

"Uh, yeah. Okay. I guess that's okay." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, avoiding my eyes.

I wondered why he looked so scared – but maybe I had just intimidated the poor kid one too many times. "Is there anything I should know?" I asked him carefully.

He shook his head fervently. "I don't think so, ma'am, no, I can't think of anything."

"You don't have to call me ma'am, O'Malley."

"I – okay. Sorry."

"You really have no idea why the hell everyone is acting so – " I stopped mid-sentence when I saw Meredith at the other end of the hallway.

She met my eyes and her eyes widened. Then she spun and walked in the other direction.

I felt a knot forming in the middle of my stomach.

"O'Malley…"

"Y-yes?"

"Did something happen with Meredith?"

"You should…" George took in a deep breath and his next words were calmer and resigned. "You should really talk to your husband."

- - - -

Derek, of course, was in surgery. I stood in the gallery, arms crossed, heart pounding as I watched him. He was intent on his patient, and didn't look up once. Finally it was over, and he snapped off his mask as he left the room.

I jogged down the stairs to meet him coming out. "Derek."

He turned to face me slowly, avoiding my eyes. "Hi."

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Now isn't a good time, Addison," he said, untying his surgical cap.

"It's never a good time. I don't care." I tried to keep the worry I felt out of my voice.

"Fine. Let's… let's go outside, okay?"

"Outside?" I asked in confusion.

He seemed to take in a deep breath. "Yeah, on the roof."

"Why, so no one sees me freak out?" I asked, trying to joke.

He just looked away, and my stomach clenched. I silently followed him to the stairs that would take us up to the roof.

It was a pretty nice afternoon, just a slight breeze as we looked at downtown Seattle below us.

I leaned with my back on the railing, my hands holding onto it on either side as I forced myself to stay calm. "So?"

The wind ruffled his hair slightly as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his lab coat. "So… I… I love you, Addison. You know that, right?"

I nodded mutely.

"And that's not going to change. That's never going to change. But something happened. And I need you to let me finish explaining before you say anything."

My heart was pounding out of my chest. "What the fuck is going on?" I asked in a low tone. I knew exactly where this was going.

"It's her. I did something last night… something horrible. And I'm so sorry. But maybe it wasn't so terrible because it made me realize how much I love you. How much I need to be with you."

"Say it, Derek. I need to hear you say it." I felt physically sick. This could not be happening. THIS could NOT be HAPPENING.

Derek winced and took in a deep breath. "I slept with Meredith."

I turned around, leaned over the railing and threw up.


	19. Chapter 19

"Jesus, Addison, are you okay?" Suddenly he was at my side, his hand on my back.

"Get the HELL off me!" I cried out, turning to smack him across the face.

I knew I should probably stop hitting him when I was upset, but I didn't give a fuck. He deserved to hurt.

"I'm so – god, you have no idea how sorry – "

"I don't FUCKING CARE. What the HELL is WRONG with you?" I screamed.

"I don't know – it was just, the way she was looking at me – and then we were in that room and I couldn't help it…" he stammered, but I barely heard him. His face was red and stinging from where I'd slapped him.

"You slept with HER, how COULD you?"

He reached to grab my arms and I pushed him away. He looked at me helplessly. "There's nothing I can say except… I'm sorry."

"So this is it, isn't it? This is your way of hurting me back for what I did. This is the only thing that can make it really even…" My breath was coming in short gasps and I felt my throat closing up. "I – oh god – "

"Addison – stop – breathe, calm down," he said, horror in his voice, as he wrapped his arms around me and slowly lowered me to the ground.

I couldn't answer or find the strength to push him away. Instead I kept hyperventilating, my breathing ragged.

Inside me a voice was whispering – _you had it coming_.

He gently put his hand on the back of my neck and pushed my head down on my knees. "Breathe, please, Addie…"

"I – can't – you – " My vision was blurred and I wasn't aware of anything except his arms around me as he slid to the ground next to me.

"I love you," he muttered harshly, desperately, into my hair. "I love you so fucking much. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't answer, aware of nothing but the desperate search for air in my lungs.

"Breathe, just calm down." Derek's worried voice sounded far away. "I think you're having an anxiety attack."

_Well, I have a fucking right to have one, don't I?_ I wanted to ask, but couldn't. Instead I tried to slowly catch my breath, feeling his arm around me and his hand tangled in my hair.

"I don't even understand how it happened," he said softly, as if to himself. "We were dancing and she was with the vet and she just kept _looking_ at me and it just happened so fast."

I managed to lift my head and glare at him. "I don't even know what to say to you. I can't even – why the hell does the entire hospital know?"

His face darkened and looked even guiltier. "When we were… getting dressed… Dr. Torres kind of walked in."

I felt my stomach turn over and prayed I wasn't going to throw up again. "So they all know that you fucked the intern. Again."

"I'm sorry," he said again, his voice raspy, and I swore I saw him blink back a tear. "I'm just so sorry."

"How could you sleep next to me last night?" I demanded, feeling hot tears drop down my own cheeks. "How could you lie there after you touched her?" Okay, now the nauseous feeling was definitely back.

He looked at me helplessly as he raked a hand through his hair. "I didn't sleep. I felt – I felt like shit, Addie. I still do." He paused and then looked at me hard. "How were you able to sleep with me after you screwed my best friend?"

I stood up so quickly that I felt dizzy. He scrambled to his feet.

"You are unbelievable," I hissed, wiping a hand across my eyes quickly and feeling the mascara dripping down my cheeks. I didn't even want to know what I looked like right then. "I don't know why I thought you were trying – this whole time you've been _lying_ to me."

I remembered when I felt that shift in the air last night – those glances he'd tossed in Meredith's direction as we all stood in the lobby. I'd been so concerned about Izzie Stevens that I hadn't paid them much attention. God.

"I haven't been lying, Addison, I am trying… or I'm trying to try."

"You're _trying to try_?" I repeated. "My god, Derek, what the hell have you done to us?"

I could picture it perfectly – the heat and the passion and the promises he had whispered to her. The same way he'd promised me. "Why didn't you just spare me this from the beginning?" I asked softly. "Why couldn't you just have chosen her then, instead of leading me on for six months?"

"Because you're Addison," he said, as if that explained everything. He looked into my eyes sorrowfully. Damn McDreamy eyes. "You're my wife."

"A lot of good that does me." I looked down at my left hand.

"Don't, please," he whispered.

I slowly slipped the rings off my finger. The same rings I'd kept on for eleven years, except for when I was in surgery. Two gold bands that meant I belonged to him. They felt white hot in my palm.

"Don't," he pleaded again.

I held them out in front of me. "I don't want them."

"They're yours," he whispered. "I am so sorry. I thought that I wanted to be with her but I was wrong. I don't love her. It was just stupid, fucked-up lust because I was so frustrated with you and me. I want us to work. It's you, it's always been you. I just couldn't see it because I was so caught up in imagining a different life. But I want this one."

I swear to god I could feel my heart breaking in my chest. I took in a deep breath, closing my eyes to unsuccessfully try to stop the hot tears dropping down my face. "It's not enough, Derek."

He made no motion to take the rings I offered, so instead I turned my hand over and we both watched them drop at his feet. They made a harsh metallic sound against the roof tile.

"I never thought we'd end up like this," I said softly.

He took in a sharp breath and I saw a glimpse of the old Derek – the one who loved me. The one who would do anything to protest me. "Please, Addie, don't. I can't do this without you."

Each hoarse word was like a nail being hammered into my heart. "I hope you're happy," I mumbled instead, and then pushed past him towards the door back down into the hospital.

He called my name, but I didn't turn around.

I walked through the halls quickly, knowing that everyone was looking. They would all know what it meant that there was mascara dripping down my cheeks.

They all knew my husband was in love with Meredith Grey.

I've always been the one in control. Being a good – no, a great – surgeon can only come from having the complete ability to keep your emotions in check. Stay cool and calm. Take the criticism and throw it back. Handle the pain, the raw emotions, the exhaustion that this job entails. Have the perfect professional life and try to mirror that perfectionism in your personal one.

I was always in control of myself, never vulnerable. Calm and professional till the end. _Don't ever let anyone think they can hurt you_. No one could break me.

Except, of course, Derek.

He'd been breaking me apart for years.


	20. Chapter 20

Richard had been silent on the phone when I called to tell him that I needed a few days off.

"I really don't think that's going to solve anything, Addison."

"Derek and I are done," I said, the words tasting hollow and bitter in my mouth. "Unless you want me to have a mental breakdown in front of the entire staff, complete with running over _that intern_ in the parking lot, I need to stay out for a little while."

He sighed. "Fine." A pause. "So… it's Meredith then?"

I winced at her name. My old mentor, the man who'd trained Derek and I from the beginning, now knew that I couldn't keep my own husband away from Ellis Grey's daughter. "Yes. It's her. He… he cheated on me."

I remembered – had it only been two days ago? – telling Richard that Derek was in love with Meredith, but he wasn't having an affair. I guess I spoke too soon.

"I'm going to fire him. I'm going to fire him and then I'll call every hospital in the country and tell them that he's no good."

I forced a laugh. "That won't really solve anything either."

Richard's voice softened. "I'm sorry, Addison."

I looked at my bare ring finger. "Yeah, I am too."

"You'll let me know when you're ready? I expect you in before the end of the week."

"Yeah, I'll call you." I hung up and tossed my cell phone onto the hotel bed. I looked around the room slowly.

Same hotel I stayed in when I first came to Seattle.

I never thought I would be back here.

I walked over to the window and looked out at the city below. Lights and water and that stupid space needle thing.

Had I really been so dumb in thinking that I could have had a life here?

It had just started to feel a little like home.

I reached for the mini bar, wondering if I could still be at home in this place without Derek.

Two bottles of tequila later, I decided I didn't care.

- - - - -

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and to the shrill ringing of my cell.

"Addison, I'm so sorry, but I need you to come in. Just for a few minutes. It's Camille," Richard said urgently.

I tried to process this while squinting at the clock. "Um, yeah, fine." I rolled out of bed and cursed when I stepped on a sharp bottle cap.

I glanced in the mirror as I went through my suitcase and wondered if I should even bother trying to look decent.

I decided to go with no. What the hell was the difference at this point?

I pulled on jeans and a loose sweater and shoved my feet into a pair of flats, trying my hair up in a messy bun. My eyes were bloodshot and my skin pale.

So much for the eat-your-heart out approach. He was going to see just what a mess he'd made of me. Fucking bastard.

- - - - -

"This is good news," I told Richard as I examined the lab results in my hand. "I mean, I don't want to give you false hope, but she's a perfect candidate for the new treatment. It could potentially put the cancer in remission, or at least make it less malignant."

Richard's face lit up. "So she could potentially… get better?" He sounded so unlike himself when it came to her.

I nodded. "She could. But Richard, you know as well as I do that this new radiation procedure is still in the development stages. Just… keep that in mind."

"Fine, boss," he said, rolling his eyes. "Can I go tell her? Please?"

I couldn't help smiling at his joy. "Sure."

He strode towards his niece's room and I walked back to the nurse's station to hand over the girl's charts.

"Addison?"

I heard his voice and my whole body stiffened. I turned around slowly, choosing to look at his scruffy sneakers instead of his face.

"I thought Richard said you were taking time off," he said gently, stepping towards me.

I swallowed and kept looking down, hating myself for looking so vulnerable and needy. "I just came in as a favor for his niece," I said softly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, taking another step forward so that we were almost touching.

"No. She is decidedly NOT okay." Suddenly Miranda Bailey had planted herself between us. "Now leave her alone."

Derek stared at her in disbelief. "Dr. Bailey, I'm just trying to talk to my wi- to Addison," he said, trying to cover up his slip.

"Just. Go. Away," she snapped, her tone businesslike.

Any other time I would have laughed at her complete Bailey-ness, but nothing seemed funny anymore.

"You have no right to – " Derek began.

"I very well have a damn right to get you away from her. You think you can just waltz around this hospital, ripping up all the damn women and then trying to fix it with your stupid not-dreamy looks?" she demanded.

"It's okay, Miranda, just leave it," I mumbled.

"Leave it?" she repeated, looking at me with a horrified expression. "Good god, what has he done to you?" She whipped her head around to glare up at Derek.

And then she lifted her leg and kicked him in the groin."Jesus!" Derek cursed as he doubled over. "What the hell was that for?" He stood up with clenched teeth, obviously trying with all his might not to strangle her.

"_That_ was for messing up this woman right here. _That_ was for screwing up my intern. _That_ was for cheating on your wife. _That_ is what you get for being a nasty, no-good two-timing bastard." She gave a short nod of affirmation and pointed away. "Now go."

Derek looked – pained and bewildered – from me to Miranda, and then hobbled away.

Miranda turned to face me. "You gonna be alright?"

I couldn't help but smile. "You just did something I've wanted to do for the past four years."


	21. Chapter 21

It had been six days since I left Derek.

Six days, and except for that one favor to Richard, I hadn't left the hotel.

I had twenty-one voicemails on my phone, none of which I had returned.

"_Addison, it's me. Please call me back_." Click.

"_Dr. Montgomery-Shep… Dr. Montgomery, it's Izzie Stevens. I'm not back at the hospital or anything, but I heard… I just wanted to see how you were doing… call me if you need anything_." Click.

"_Addie, I'm so sorry. I love you. You have to know that. I messed up. People mess up. Remember you said that to me once? Just call me_." Click.

"_Addison, it's Richard. I've been waiting to hear from you. I know you're going through a… rough patch but I need my head of neonatal back to work. Call me_." Click.

"_It's me again. I just want you to understand that what happened made me realize how badly I need to be with you, and only you. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out… I guess I'll talk to you later_." Click.

"_It's Miranda. Hope you're doing all right. Let me know if you need me to kick that nasty husband of yours again_." Click.

"_Addison, seriously. You could at least tell me where the hell you're staying. Please call me_." Click.

"_Addie, it's me. Mark. Derek told me what was going on… he must be pretty damn worried about you if he called me, of all people. I can't believe what happened. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to hire a hit man and fly him out there to kill him. Seriously. No, okay, fine, I won't. I know it would upset you, even if he deserves it. But I'm going to try to come out next week if I can wrap up a few cases here. Hope you're okay_." Click.

"_Come on, please, honey. I'm worried. Just let me know that you're alright. I don't know what to do, Addison. I love you_." Click.

You get the idea.

I was sipping brandy while going through the day's messages and deleting them when there was a knock on the hotel room door.

I yelled from the couch instead of getting up. "Who is it?" I hadn't ordered room service.

"Me. Let me in," Derek said pleadingly.

I almost laughed. "Figured out where I was, finally?"

"Addison, open the door."

"Leave me alone."

"I swear, Addison, I'm going to break this door down if you don't let me in."

I sighed and stood up – too quickly – and had to put my hand on the wall to steady myself. Shit. I hadn't been keeping track of how much I'd been drinking, and I didn't really care.

I opened the door a crack and found myself staring straight into Derek's blue eyes. "What do you want?" I asked thickly.

"To see if you're okay, for Christ's sake. I thought you died or something."

"You think this is funny?"

He shook his head. "Of course not. I – "

"What part of _leave me alone_ don't you understand?"

"I don't care." He firmly pushed the door open, and the movement shoved me backwards so hard that I fell back against a chair.

"Jesus, are you okay?" he asked, grabbing my hand to pull me up.

I jerked my hand away. "I'm fine." I rose unsteadily to my feet.

"You're drunk."

"So what?" I shot back. "Are you here to lecture me?"

"No." He looked pained. "I'm here to beg you."

"What?"

"To listen to me."

"Are you going to tell me that you didn't actually have sex with Meredith Grey?" I asked acidly.

"No…"

"Then I don't want to hear it." I waved him off and crossed the room to pour myself another brandy.

"Addison, stop _drinking_, for god's sake."

I looked up to glare at him. "Why? I thought you liked your women being alcoholics."

"Stop it! Would you just listen to me?"

"Why? What can you possibly say to make this better, Derek? Tell me, because I'm just DYING to make this EASIER FOR YOU!" I yelled.

"I fucked up," he said, his voice rising. "I _know_ that. I don't know what the hell it is with her, but there's just this connection but it's not what I want, Addison, I don't want to be with her."

"You are a FUCKING MESS, Derek," I hissed. "Every word that comes out of your mouth is wrong. You love me, you love her. You want her but you need to stay with me. You want me but you need to be with her. What the hell is it? WHAT THE HELL?" I could feel myself hyperventilating again. Oh god.

"I don't know!" he cried out, clenching his fists at his sides and looking furious at – at himself? "I don't know, Addie, and I can't figure out anything without you."

He looked so helpless, so unlike his confident self, that I didn't know what to do. We stood and stared at each other.

"So what is it?" I asked finally. "You just wanted to fuck her? Or do you… still _love_ her?" I spat out the word. Before he answered, I added, "And be honest with me, for once in your goddamn life."

"I don't know," he repeated slowly, for the millionth time. "I wish I knew. I know that I don't love her the way I love you."

"That's not good enough," I said softly.

"I tried to do the right thing by staying, Addison. I wanted to be a good husband for you."

"No," I said. "You wanted to be a good husband for Meredith. You wanted her to keep thinking you were McDreamy and perfect, so you had to pretend to try."

He looked shocked as the words sank in.

He knew I was right.

He was just surprised that I figured it out before he did.


	22. Chapter 22

I tried not to listen to the rumors at Seattle Grace, but they were hard to ignore. Supposedly Meredith and Derek had walked into work together the past three mornings. One nurse said she was staying with him at the trailer. But another one whispered that Meredith had been crying because Derek wouldn't take her back. It was impossible to know what was true and what wasn't.

Not that I cared or anything.

I had an infant patient in the NICU, and spent as much time up there as possible to avoid running into certain people. But, of course, avoiding people in this hospital was next to impossible.

"Dr. Shepherd – Addison – can we…please?"

The strange sentence could only have come from one person. I turned slowly to see Meredith looking at me anxiously.

"What do you need, Grey?" I asked sharply. I _would not_ cave and ask her how she managed to make my husband fall in love with her. AGAIN.

"Well, I…"

"Do you need a consult?"

She shook her head.

"Then I suggest you go. Now."

"But –"

"Go." I shook my head and glared – the glare that usually sent interns scampering for the door.

She started to walk away, head lowered, but then stopped and spun around. "No. You know what? I won't go. I need to say something."

"Oh, well then be my guest," I muttered, but the sarcasm was lost on her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I turned into the dirty mistress again because that's the last thing I wanted to do. I'm sorry we were being stupid and selfish and that we hurt you. I'm just sorry. And… well, I know how you feel."

I looked at her steadily. "You know how I feel?" I repeated.

She nodded. "It's just like how I felt when I found out he was married… and when he picked you over me."

"Have you ever been married for eleven years, Dr. Grey?" I asked.

She bit her lip. "No."

"Then you don't know how I feel," I snapped, and immediately felt a little sorry when her face looked crushed.

I sighed and realized that no matter how much I wanted to, I really couldn't hate her. "Look. Here's the thing – _I_ know how _you_ feel. You love him. You love him because he makes you feel like the center of the world. He'll love you with everything he has, so much that you don't realize it's destroying you. Because he'll love you so much, so fiercely… until he just doesn't anymore."

She stared at me.

"But why do I think you already knew that?" I asked quietly.

"I can't," she said finally. "I can't do it."

"What?"

"I can't be with him again. He's just… he's done too much. He broke me, twice already. And I won't do it again."

I regarded her silently, unconsciously rubbing my bare ring finger.

"And I have Finn." A small smile crossed her face. "Finn is… he's great. He has _plans_," she emphasized the word. "I need to see if this thing with him is really something. I _won't_ be the woman Derek threw away and then took back when he finally forced his wife to leave him."

I knew she was right – Derek never would have left me again. He hated being the bad guy. He had just decided to do something that would force me to be the one to go.

"I swore I wouldn't turn into my mother," Meredith went on. "But I guess… I guess I did. And that's something I'll never be able to forgive myself for."

So what was she saying – that she didn't want Derek? That their sick little affair was done? I felt anger rising. What made her think she had the power to make the decision that she was finished with him and I could be his second choice?

"So I don't know what you're going to do. It's not my business anymore. You probably hate me again and I can't blame you. But Dr. Mont – Addison, he loves you. He loves you so much that he had to put an entire continent between you when you broke his heart. He wasn't whole when we met. He was a mess, but I didn't realize it at the time. And he's still a mess, and I think you're the one he needs the most."

I finally found my voice again. "Dr. Grey, I have work to do."

"Yeah, me too. Thanks for… listening." She nodded slightly and walked away.

I leaned back against the wall, not sure what to make of this strange conversation with my husband's dirty mistress who thought she knew everything about us.

Maybe we weren't that different, her and I. We were both sick of being pushed around, of being his second choice. We both slept with inappropriate people to try to get his attention.

But _how was she able to get over him when I couldn't_?

- - - - -

That night was the first time Derek didn't call me and leave voicemails begging me to talk. I paced around the hotel room as the clock kept changing, and finally grabbed my purse and went down to the car.

I needed… I didn't know what I needed. Closure? Explanation? Apologies?

It was raining when I pulled up to the trailer. The drops pounded harshly against the windshield as I took in a deep breath and killed the engine. I slowly made my way up to the tiny porch, wiping rain off my face as I knocked.

I heard scuffling and after what seemed like eternity he opened the door.

"Addison." He opened the door wider and I stepped inside. "What are you…"

"I don't know." I stood in front of him as the drops slid down my jacket and puddled at my feet. "I just needed to see you."

He stepped forward and pulled me close against him. I smelled alcohol on his breath as he rested his cheek against my forehead.

We stood that way for a moment; the only sound our heavy breathing. I wondered if this was as hard for him as it was for me.

"She didn't choose you, did she," I said softly, willing myself not to break. "After all that, she chose the vet."

"Yes," he said hoarsely into my hair.

I gently pushed him away and forced myself to look him in the eye. His expression was just… destroyed. He looked as broken as I felt. But there was some glimmer there, something I hadn't seen in a long time.

"And you wanted to be with her," I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

He shook his head, slowly. "No."

"But – "

"I don't want her, Addison. I wanted what she… what she _represented_."

I waited skeptically, sure that this was just the alcohol talking.

"She is – was – this other world for me," he went on, "this place where everything was so easy and perfect and simple. There was no cheating wife. No backstabbing best friend. No dead daughter. Don't you see that? With you, there's just all this… pain. Sometimes I can't see past it."

"But you would have taken her back if she wanted you," I said, feeling hot tears forming in my own eyes and trying unsuccessfully to wipe them away. "And now that she's made the decision for you…"

"She didn't. I mean, she did, but so did I. It's just not there. I thought it was there – I think I even _wanted_ it to be there. But it's not. And I'm… god, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

I realized why this felt so different – it was because he was looking _at_ me. Not through me. I couldn't remember the last time he'd actually looked at _me_, into my eyes.

And now – oh god. Now he was crying and that sent me over the edge. Tears were falling everywhere and somehow in the middle of it he kissed me.

"We really did something to each other, didn't we," he said quietly, a sob catching in his throat as he pressed his forehead against mine. "We really fucked this up."

I thought about the last few years – the hurt and the lies and the crying and the bitter, white hot anger that could only come from loving someone so much that they had the power to kill you.

"Yeah," I said. "I guess we did."


	23. Chapter 23

"So where do we go from here?"

Derek seemed to have no answer to my question.

We were sitting across from each other at the tiny kitchen table.

There had been screaming. There had been crying. There had been more yelling.

I was pretty sure I had neither voice nor tears left.

"Well," he said finally, "You could start by coming home."

I paused for a minute before answering, "Or… we could both go home."

"Addison, I told you, we can't go back there. We're not the same people we were."

"I know, but _this_, Derek, _this_ is not home. Not for me. This is a trailer."

He stood up, looking exhausted. "I have to show you something."

I just sighed as he disappeared for a moment and then returned with rolled-up papers in hand.

"What is it?" I asked.

He slid the rubber band off the oversized papers and unrolled them onto the table. I leaned forward to see that they were… blueprints?

"It's for a house," he said softly. "Our house, on this land. I've been working with an architect for almost a month now. I wanted to surprise you."

I let my eyes travel over the sketches. The house was large, with guest bedrooms and an office for each of us. Adjacent to our bedroom was a huge walk-in closet, which was definitely one thing I'd begged for ever since leaving Manhattan. And there was a sitting room and a living room and a huge kitchen with adjacent dining room.

"Oh my god… this is…" I just looked at him, and he smiled for the first time since I'd come over that night.

I couldn't help smiling back.

"I thought you'd like it," he said. "We'll start soon. I'm pretty sure I have all the permits in order."

"Are you sure that this is…"

"What?" he asked, sensing my hesitation.

"Are you sure this is what you want? To be with me? You just told me you're not over Meredith," I said, biting my lip so hard that I could taste my own bitter blood. "She hurt you." _Just like you hurt me_, I added silently.

"Addison," he said, his voice low and serious. "All I want is for you to take these back." He took my hand and put two rings into my palm.

I slowly closed my fingers over them. "I guess I can do that."

"I wish I never fell for her," he said. "Because I… I love you, still. I love you so much that it hurts. When you… when you were with Mark, it killed me, Addie. I thought I was dead. Then I came out here and met her and thought maybe I could live again, and start over with her. I was so wrong. There's no running away from us." He looked into my eyes earnestly, and he was Derek, my Derek. The man I'd loved for fifteen years.

"And then… what? How do you explain having sex with her a few weeks ago? I still can't…" I trailed off.

"I guess I just… I convinced myself I was in love with her again. Because I thought if I did it…" he paused, "If I hurt you again, and again, then maybe I would feel better. Maybe I would feel even. And then, maybe, I could finally forgive myself for driving you away from me in the first place."

I stared at him, realizing that for the first time we were having a real conversation. The conversation we'd been avoiding for years. The conversation about _us_.

"Haley would have been seven this month," I said.

"I know. I think… I think about her every day, Addison."

"So do I."

"And I know…" his voice cracked and he took in a shaky breath. "I know it's so selfish, and so sick, but sometimes I wish she'd never been born. Because then I wouldn't have to remember her, and think about her, and miss her."

I closed my eyes tightly. His words echoed my own thoughts – the thoughts that made me feel guilty and twisted. "What kind of horrible people are we, to wish something like that?"

"But there's good memories, too. So many good ones. We just have to think about them," he said the words as if trying to convince himself.

I stood up and rubbed my eyes, utterly exhausted. "I need coffee. Or sleep."

He got up and walked around the table so he was in front of me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my forehead. "You'll stay here, right?"

I nodded slightly and turned to crawl into the bed, kicking off my shoes as I did so. He lied down next to me and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I love you," I said simply. "And I'm sorry. For everything."

"So am I," he said gently.

"What made you realize?" I asked.

"What?"

"When you… when you were with Meredith that night. You said you realized that you wanted to be with me. What was it?"

He ran his fingers through my tangled hair. "It was just… something she said. About me being married. And when she said it, all that flashed through my mind was our wedding day."

I smiled slightly at the memory. We had been so young, so pure, so naïve.

"And you're my wife. You're not my obligation. You're my responsibility, but only because I _want_ to take care of you, Addison. You loved me when I was a stupid arrogant intern and a less stupid but just as arrogant resident. You loved me when I ignored you and treated you like complete shit. You loved me when I took you back but kind of… stayed with her emotionally," he said, shame in his voice.

I sat up and turned slightly to face him, my hair falling over both of our faces. "I thought you'd never admit that."

"I didn't think so either," he answered honestly. "But I just… I still loved you, even when you hurt me. I tried to forget about you and about Haley but I couldn't. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and hate someone when you love them more than anything?"

I softly brushed my lips against his. "Yeah, I do. It's okay now. It's okay."

He gazed at me, and I felt beautiful for the first time in so long.

"I've loved you almost half my life," he said. "I don't know how _not_ to love you."


End file.
